Thanks for the refresher on love is a behavior. Yep, I can see it. She doesn't, or won't or whatever.
Had a crappy mediation session today where when the mediator asked if her decision was irrevocable (can you believe he asked that, not very DB) she said, yes, "irrevocable". He proceeded to outline the ways in which we would almost eliminate any contact between us during our separation (e.g. no family dinners, kids have their own phone line so that we don't have to got through the other parent to reach them, I should only visit with the kids in my new place) to ensure a "clean" divorce. He will definitely make it easy to go dark, thats for sure.
So, now I'm trying to recover some part of the life I had before we were together (pretty tough because I was in college then). I used to really like the outdoors and rock climbing so I visited the local rock-wall on campus and am off to try on some climbing shoes after work. I see the handwriting on the wall now, and know that its GAL time now. I really have now choice. I will miss my marriage and old family life, but I have to recognize that I need to stop focusing so much on the relationship and start recognizing that if I don't want to shrivel up from lonliness and depression I'm going to need to start being my own person again, and let the other stuff take care of itself.
Its weird but now that I am really starting to see myself as single, I do think I am starting to understand why younger women date older men. As I start to open up more to people (e.g. the woman who was working at the climbing wall) I just find myself so much looser than I was back when I was 20 and single. I don't know if it is life experience or what, but I just seem to be able to strike up a less contrived conversation than I would have back then. I hope this is a good sign for me. I am a little embarassed that I'm looking to college undergrads for my get a life activities (I'm a college professor and 36) but in a weird way I feel like I am picking up where I left off (My STBXW and I started dating in college). I'm also going to start attending a divorce support group in April (with kids my own age) so don't think I'm a total lech.
I'm trying to muster some enthusiasm for the new freedom, but I think I'm going to just have to fake it till I make it.
