Sorry I was slow. I was out of town yesterday and today. I'm glad that I could at least validate what you are going through.
To answer your questions: How did I handle divorce proceedings? That was easy..she was reasonable and didn't want a whole lot except her freedom. I think the most important things to show during this time are that you RESPECT her opinion and decision, even if you don't agree, that her happiness is important to you even if it means she must go, and that you intend to be fair without being a pushover. Don't cave on everything, but be reasonable. Be very in control of yourself and strong.
As far as how distant to be. Her behavior will for the most part determine the level of contact. I don't recommend going dark and being all aloof, but giving her times when you just aren't reachable. But when she does call or you see her, greet her like a friend that you are happy to see. The most important thing for me, I think, was that I listened to her. Asked questions inquiring about her new life and let her talk without any judgement. Unless she finds that from this other guy (which she likely won't), being a sympathetic ear can be helpful in smoothing out some of this built up resentment.
John, I really think that you mainly need time. The EA came to light and was brief, but the fall-out afterwards never ran its course. Your W looked at you with a jaundiced eye and never did get to look at herself. This is a course she is going to have to follow. You can choose to be her friend during this.
In the meantime, you use your kid-free, wife-free time to do the things for yourself that you have been neglecting. If you were like me, you spent your free-time busting your hump to show how you were changing, but not really just enjoying it. Plan some excursions if you can afford it. Do some outdoors activities. Try something new. Personally, I'm so glad that I spent a little time acting like I had neglected some things in my life and doing things almost selfishly for me.
Remember you still have the relationship with your kids. Nurture that. It can be really a great way of spending time when you can do it with your kids. Plans activities with them and really connect.
Writing this, I'm actually excited for you. Marriage in some ways, especially these troubled times, takes so much out of you and robs you somewhat of precious time with your kids and with yourself. I almost envy you getting to start doing things that way without considering for awhile that you are married. Makes me almost yearn to be in MLC. I need to remember that I need self-care time.
Good luck John. I'll check in on your later.
Me (Wes)
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
