and also more recently in the MLC forum as I've come to see the ways in which my wife is truly on her own journey and that I really am just a spectator here.
We've had so many false starts, so many conversations, and it seems that no matter how much responsibility I shoulder, or how much I pull of a PMA etc., or how much I create the family life she had asked for, my wife is really, really, committed to ending our marriage.
She is finally going to visit the lawyer tomorrow, and I am just trying to roll with it. What's weird is that she only wants us to be apart as a family maybe 2 days a week (one where she is "off" and one where I am "off") and wants to spend the rest of the time all together. At the same time, she really wants to establish physically separate residences (which is a prerequisite to a divorce in our state) and to create a living situation which she feels is her own.
I know this is disturbingly common on this board, but it is like everything about our relationship works for her except the marriage and sex part. I think I really kind of missed the mark lately in giving her space because I remained physically affectionate to her. This was one of the big things she felt was lacking in our marriage and I guess that once I learned how to do it right after the first bomb, I just couldn't turn it off. She has recently disclosed that this closeness brought on a great deal of guilt for her, and was reminicient of her always giving in to my needs in the marriage over the years. I really should have known better, but she honestly seemed to enjoy it, and so did I.
You know, I've read so many posts here that I really should be able to answer my own questions, but I am still struggling every day to be the best person I can be. I feel really beat up right now because my wife is so fixated on all the ways I've let her down, even after I discovered DR and this board.
I think I'm just going to need to forgive myself on this stuff and recognize that there was probably very little I could have done right in the past 9 months, but tons of stuff I could and did do wrong.
Why does it always seem like we figure stuff out too late? I'm starting to believe that this is probably only my perception, and that in fact, it still is too late. My wife is out of love for me and I think the quicker I embrace this, the quicker I will be able to start to create a new life for myself. I'm still so caught up in trying to save this that I'm not facing up to my future and making the best possible life for myself from now on.
I've found this board tremendously useful, the support here is incredible, and I've learned so much. Still, I wonder how many of us come here searching for solutions to situations that are truly out of our control. What has struck me lately about my conversations with my WAW/MLC whatever, is that I really can't win. When I am present, I am overbearing and making her feel guilty, when I withdraw, I am self-centered and selfish. When I pursue, I am putting my needs first, when I distance, I am reinforcing her reasons for leaving in the first place.
I know this is a dance, but I am just plain tired right now. Attending to the constant barrage of blame has really taken its toll on me. I don't think it is a coincidence that my wife is pulling the plug on me and making it 100% my fault, while at the same time claiming that I have threatened and blamed her all the way through this. I guess I'm just surprised that no one, not her therapist, family, or friends, or even me, has called her on this. The most she'll even muster is taking responsiblity for not ending this sooner.
I think I'm just in a funk today and not quite sure how to keep the PMA going in the face of her unwavering need to push me out and my sense that I'm damned if I do and damed if I don't.
I just feel like curling up in a ball, but I know I need to do better.
