Having quite a time getting focused on other things and pulling away from W. Last night was weird in that she made a nice dinner for us and was very friendly, also packed leftovers into a lunch for me. She had also e-mailed me a couple of funny online links after we had a talk about staying friends no matter what.
Later, she wanted to watch one of our favorite shows that we hoped was on our DVR, no luck, so we just kind of scrapped it. We tried this in the bedroom, where she very conspicously sat in a chair rather than her side of the bed. It really is like she is trying to convince both of us that this is really happening.
Earlier she inadvertently started undressing in front of me (I high-tailed it out of there, was kind of freaked out actually) before exercising and we are definitely in that "getting along so well because we are splitting up" mode. She still hadn't moved her stuff out of our bathroon and bedroom, but I suspect that's next.
I really sense her struggle, but am trying to stay as far from it as I can. Yesterday on the phone she talked about how it was difficult to mourn the loss of the relationship and I said that I just hoped that we could be there as friends for each other.
I am getting better at not taking the bait when she pulls for me to try to take control (e.g. she wanted to go to "our" yoga class by herself, and I said no problem at all) but it still hurts like crazy to see her pull away. For instance, no calls today when we would typically talk several times by now. I know I need to get out of her way, but another part of me just wants to keep the positive interactions going and not feed into the awkwardness that she seems to be subconsciously pulling for while doing things like making my lunch (she almost never does this).
Mostly, I'm just trying to distract myself from calling her right now.
Why do I care so much about this?
How do I let go of the tension and just be me? I know I can't control this, but I also don't want to feed into this weirdness between us. She has typically responded well when I just come clean with her and express my concern and friendship despite our pending separation. I think I'm worried that she is looking for me to overreact and pull away and that by reciprocating the distance I am giving her this.
So, any tips for resisting the urge to break the tension by checking-in?
How do I balance distance, with warmth and support?
I think I feel better just having gotten this out.
Oh, BTW, I did a 180 yesterday and got my haircut. I usually am pretty lazy about this whereas my wife LOVES to get her hair done even when she doesn't need it and I frequently teased her in the past for buying the expensive "products" that the salons push. So, what did I do, I bought some very macho hair product myself and also stopped and got some moisturizer/aftershave. Very uncharacteristic for a guy who does not own a hairbrush or comb! She did seem a bit surprised. At least I'll smell good at the divorce proceedings!
