I have just a few moments before the day get's hoppin' so let me get to it. I actually started posted last night, went to hit submit, but my flippin laptop ended up taking me back to the previous page. UGGH...post deleted. Damn!
So, here I am today. Sitting here, reeling from all this posting. I have a few things to consider abstractly, as I don't have my thoughts formulated on your wifes position yet. I will however tell you that I've been there. If you recall, I had TOLD my XH that I was willing to go to counseling, to give us a shot and I did for three months, but actually, now that I think about it, I know that I truly wasn't...I was setting him up to fail...it was my last technique to convince him I was right. I knew that no matter how much talking I did to convince him that we were better off being friends, that this relationship just doesn't work, the harder he worked to prove me wrong...so instead I took a different route...HE had to realize it. He had to believe HE failed. Got me? The "See, we tried this and it still doesn't work...you still think we can fix this?" So, I'll tell you that I didn't stop doing all the things of my "other life" because I knew at some point he was going to realize what I realized and that he'd let me go...which he did. So I'd say you're at a cruicial point, but I'm going to need a little more time to fully explore the emotions I was having at that exact time and determine what he could do. Once he gave me the go, I was full steam ahead - MINUS the actual paperwork and filing.
Okay, so I'm going to move on to you, because I think this is of utmost importance, and I've realized it over the last 6 months or so. When I turned the corner and my XH was no longer interested in a second shot essentially we've been referring to me as the LBS at that point. I didn't start doing these things until I was the LBS, so I'd highly recommend you try this. I was talking with Betsey a few days ago and realized that I hadn't been paying much attention to one of my most important goals I set for myself. I'd been doing really well on the rest of them, but there was one that I hadn't really spent the effort on. I know this is going to sound crazy and you're gonna wonder the point, but hang tight I'll get there.
See, one of my main goals was to get to know myself. Get to know my likes, my dislikes, my favorites, my never-in-a-million-years. However, my entire life I've always just been a go-with-the-flow. I pretty much like everything. I realized that I had been in a relationship for so long I forgot what it is that I LOVED. You know, that ever excited feeling you get about something you want so bad. I didn't have the small things. So, that takes me to this week. Monday I booked a flight for Europe that leaves this Saturday. Yes, you heard me...THIS Saturday. Sponteneity...not really my thing...as a matter of fact this kind of thing makes me so uncomfortable to just think about that I deemed it to be on my never-in-a-million-years list. However, I did it...cause how am I ever gonna know if I really like being spontaneous. I know that I'm "okay" being responsible and someone who thinks through things, but I've just defaulted there. We stick to what we know because it's comfortable, but where it's uncomfortable is where we'll truly find our likes and dislikes.
So, john, I say get out a pen and paper and make several lists. Make a list for the things you LOVE to do. Make a list of the things you've tried and genuinely don't like (not the stuff that just makes you uncomfortable). Make a list of the things that fall in between those (things that you like but don't have a favorite). Then lastly, make a list of the things you have thought about doing, but never did because they make you anxious or uncomfortable.
After you're done with that list, let me know...cause we're gonna go through that list and pick some things for you to do. You, I think, need to rediscover WHO you are without your W or even the thought of your W.
The other thing I want to warn you against...is any effort to make plans. DO NOT under any circumstance try to make plans in advance with your W. One thing that drove me insane was that my XH, even after we had decided to work on our relationship, was that he was focused on the future. Everytime I heard him ask me about something even a week in advance it told me that he thought this was just a little blip on the screen. I wanted him to live day to day, working little by little, and if an event passes us by, it passes us by. I wanted him to make plans with me the day of, not the day before. I know it sounds contrary to the nature of me as the planner, but I did not want to plan anything with him because my feelings changed daily and I didn't want to be locked in...and I knew he wanted to lock me in for those exact reasons...HE wanted peace of mind. See what I'm sayin?
Okay, all for now, but I'll try to get back here later.
Nickel
"The walls we build around us to keep sadness out also keeps out the joy."
