TheRabbitHole by John_P

[Underdog]

Hi John!

Always--Great reply... your comments are wonderful and awfully helpful.

John--Nickel is insanely busy at work and getting ready to do some hard core traveling (both business and pleasure) for the next few weeks. I'm not sure how much time she's going to have to post... so you'll have to settle for the rest of us for the time being.

A couple things. BTW, your post is pretty uplifting despite the pain you're feeling. I hope in a few days you'll be able to read back and use this as a precipice for further growth. Because I see lots of glimmers here.

The #1 glimmer? You're willing to state your goal to be her friend--no matter what. That tells me heaps about your character. So if you can build on this concept and outline some goals and markers/milestones for this achievement, you might find a few other benefits stem from it. I say go for it!

You asked for help, so let's go:

So, any tips on keeping a stiff upper lip?

Well, I don't know if you realize this, but you actually answered it in your previous sentence:

My wife is always the person I turn to when things are bad for me, and it looks like I am going to figure out how to go solo on this one.

I know how wonderful it is to have someone close to bounce ideas. But this appears to be the one place she doesn't want this type of interaction. In fact, John, I'm sitting here chewing my lip and wondering if this isn't exactly why she's uncomfortable?

Bear with me, becuase I'm feeling something... and it's something that some of us womenfolk here have noticed in our own marriages too. So let me elaborate a bit.

The one thing that tired me to no end was (and IS) when Mr. Wonderful expected me to be his emotional thermostat. In his mind, I held the key to how he was feeling. So if I didn't react the way he had hoped I'd react, I'd set the thermostat for some very unpleasant interactions (unbeknownst to me, BTW).

From where I sit across the computer screen, it seems as though she's saying that she's having a problem with the fuzzy emotional boundaries? Could this be true?

If anything, developing a stiff upper lip seems awfully connected and a little too coincidental if you ask me. For me, developing a stiff upper lip meant I had to really begin listening and to stop personalizing every doggone conversation we had. Yes, you know the drill: drop those pesky expectations and labels. If you have to start somewhere, work first on the labels... stop giving in to the temptation to say, "If I don't hear what I want to hear, it's bad." That just gives way too much license for everything outside your miniscule box to get classified as unpleasant or bad. See where I'm going?

It also ties to your goal of being friends. Put your thinking cap on and put some other person in the position of your W--who IS a friend. Now, can you name some of your behaviors that you do with W that you don't do with friend?

There's undoubtedly going to be a goldmine of data there.

I am wiser with each passing day, but I'd sure give it all up to stay married.

Geez, John, you're a counselor. I doubt seriously that you'd counsel someone into selling their soul to get a pig in a poke, right? Now I know that's not what you meant, but desperate statements usually indicate desperate thoughts. I highly recommend abandoning this type of thought process for one that's more mutual and hopeful. (It implies that someone wins and someone loses...)

We all have an inner jerk who comes out when we're feeling fearful. In fact, I don't know if you've read any of Susan Anderson's books? The Journey from Abandonment to Healing discusses how we have Big Me and Little Me (and a few assignments) and honoring both of them. In fact, John, you might find this book insightful. I tapped into many of my fears in this one handy book...

So, I think if you do the exercise (putting a friend as a stand in for W and comparing your responses), you might be able to carve a few friendship goals? What do you think?

Betsey