No, I'm not Nickel, but still read your post and wanted to chime in a bit. I'm sorry about things that are going on. BUT, as you said, things are out of your control, and as scary a feeling as that is, this is the time to grab the reins of the life that you CAN control, hold firm and start liking YOU. It's great that you admit your faults, but think of things you LIKE about how you've handled this. It's admirable that you spend an entire, somewhat painful, weekend with her. That you handled the lawyer comment so well, and you STILL engage in counseling for YOU. That's impressive. Sounds like your W still has a lot of trust issues with you; not just the snooping, but trusting the person you are becoming, the person you have the potential to be. Sometimes, when we fall in love, we see the person that is, but don't spend much time falling in love with the person they can be--to cherish growth and change. It's hard when you've been hurt. I know you understand her hurt--keep showing her that while making changes to you. Don't let the stress of this get you off track to a better you--it will only show her, and yourself, that you're doing this for the M, and will let go after that....that can be damaging for you as well.
I hear you SO WELL about the job thing and losing focus on life. I too felt that this was the most important thing in my life and was consumed that I was scattered in all the rest of life. Then, I slowly started focusing on work, friends, family (forced to, and still I think about M more than I should), and it felt GREAT to get balance back. I felt so confident about ME, my life, my job, the way friends liked my company, and family needed me. You are more than just a H...don't get stuck in thinking that role defines you. You are many wonderful things.
How do you get back with focus?
1) Commit yourself to go out with a friend or 2 this week...do NOT talk R. Let them plan it (I'm sure they would love to), laugh, have fun, and let go. See yourself as a fun guy with a life intact.
2) Break up your routine...find a place you like to spend alone time...a coffee shop, bookstore, mall, theater, whatever. Do you have kids. Take them along. If you're like me, you've been just going to work and then home to brood over the M. Take a break from that--a breather.
3) Take a long drive--listen to some music, a book on tape (non-M).
4) Take a long walk or workout. Seriously--working out has REALLY pulled me out of some bad funks in the past....it didn't make me giddy, but I felt good about ME, and functional.
5) Is there something you've been holding off buying, something fun. Go get it. You need the boost now.
6) People say get a hobby, and I think this is great, but if you're just starting out to refocus on life, it may be a bigger task than immediately achievable (speaking from experience). So start off by just looking into a new hobby..classes at a local school, a new craft, etc. Just researching about something you've always dreamed of is fun enough and takes your mind off of things and helps you plan a new part of your life w/o the W and just YOU.
7) Work....really, I set aside time in the day that I allow myself to check these boards or other sites. Other times, I write up really silly, detailed lists of things I have to do on projects...really step-by-step, so I feel I am accomplishing something and keeps me going. It helped me to set my sights on career goals again, write them down, really think about them...also, another side of your life that does NOT involve W but that you can excel at. You mentioned not liking this job...what can you do to improve that, or find a new job. Keep your mind busy and really boost a new side of your life.
Well, those are some things that really worked for me. I really dreaded going out with friends, wanting to stay in the funk, but then found that when they dragged me out, I had ag reat time and it was a mental vacation. NICE.
