Well I had a phone consult today, and it became painfully clear that I'm still trying to control this. Even if I give up on the outcome (e.g. a divorce) I am still trying to control the interpretation of why, how, etc.
She asked me what the first sign would be that I was trying to convince my wife of something and I said, "I opened my mouth." Sad but true.
Wife had a parallel couseling session and came back pretty red-faced and looking agitated. She did mention that she has an appt with a lawyer on March 6th, and I tried my best just to let it drop. I think I said something like, "Oh the same one as before."
In my conversation with the DB coach what became clear to me is that I've really become a jeckyl and hide with for my wife. In some ways I'm a DB superstar full of humility, humor, and support, at other times I am a hurt, controlling, jerk who should not be trusted at any cost. The jerk comes out when I am feeling insecure or when my wife is tentative, really bad timing.
So, my job is to make sure that as the crap hits the fan, the DB superhero is safely in place. No matter how nice or friendly I am, my wife is still afraid that I will go adversarial when this gets rough and it is this fear that keeps her from believing that I could ever change.
But, as we are so fond of saying, this is about me, not her and my Number 1 Goal, is to maintain a friendship with her no matter what happens. I have to find a way to put my own fears and hurt back in the trunk for another day, they have always been my worst enemy in this whole damn thing. And, as JoAnn, the DB coach helped me realize, my feelings are not important right now, what is important is weathering the crisis.
This all sounds great, but I still feel tremendous pain at the potential loss. I think it is easier the second time around, but it still stings pretty bad. My wife is always the person I turn to when things are bad for me, and it looks like I am going to figure out how to go solo on this one.
So, any tips on keeping a stiff upper lip?
Also, any feedback on how to handle the impending requests from my wife to move out, to sign separation papers, to negotiate custody, etc.? Right now, I'm just trying to be passive and stay out of the way of her plans. Will she see this as stonewalling later on?
Finally, I have seemed almost incapable of getting any real work done since this whole thing started back in June. I think my self pitty and pathological attention to what is going on in my marriage give me an excuse for slacking off at work and I am likely doing some serious damage to my career. I've kind of blown this off by saying that my marriage comes first and that I'm not in love with my current job anyway, but I really think I have become pretty self-destructive to other areas of my life while I "saved" my marriage. How do I help myself to get back on track?
I am wiser with each passing day, but I'd sure give it all up to stay married.
