Interesting that you should mention the IC part. I did see an IC early on in this but found that he was both expensive and consistently pushing me to take care of myself and figure out what I would and would not take from this relationship. I percieved this as harmful to my goal of reconciliation and stopped seeing him in order to not focus so much on my pain and instead on being a better husband and father. I did talk with my wife some time ago about restarting therapy, but let her know (in what I now see as a very counterproductive way) that I feared that if I saw him, he'd convince me that I was not sticking up for myself if I stayed in the relationship. She consistently encouraged me to go. I now see how this reinforced her sense of my treating her like a villian.
I have however used the DB phone counselors a couple of times and found them very useful, if only to keep me from getting totally discouraged. I've actually got a session scheduled for tomorrow am.
I think where I am trying to get myself is to a place where I am truly above all of this. Where I can finally let go of all my hurt and dissapointment and just let go of the need to make things right or be vindicated or whatever. What's weird is I think I came pretty close to this when my wife first came around in early November.
I was just so cautious then about stuff that I tried to simply enjoy any closeness with as little analysis or expectation. It's funny because at the time, I think my wife saw this as my not wanting to be married anymore and not wanting to be with her. I found myself constantly reassuring her that I was thrilled to be reconcilled just committed to staying open to her changing her mind. I wonder if, from her perspective, this represented the beginnings of my treating her like a criminal, and my first stab at getting back at her.
As I write this, I think I am beginning to recognize that I was, unconsciously, trying to get her back all along. Yes, she did some hurtful things, but I must have been so afraid of dealing with these head on (and her walking out on me) that instead I slowly, insideously, berated her with comments about how much I had been through and made it begrudginly clear how our life was now so focused on making things right for her.
We did talk briefly about this today and I mentioned how I never felt like I could just directly approach her with my hurt, that I always felt like she replied with indignance and coldness. Not surprisingly, she said that this was my problem, and that she shouldn't have needed to make it o.k. for me. This has been her IC mantra from day 1.
