Rather than focus on your W and her reactions and what they might mean, I think it might be MORE helpful to guide you into changing yours?
Quote: I learned, for instance that when I would say something like that I was proud of myself for sticking through all our stuff this past 8 months, what she was hearing was "you are a horrible bitch for hurting me". When I would say that she hurt my feelings by corresponding with the other guy, she would hear "you are an unfaithful wife".
Ouch! Okay, I'll admit to thinking the same thing. So it appears that she perceives you as "being right" and her "being wrong"... which is another varation of "if he wins, I lose."
John, let's not hang crepe or consider your M over. I think you need to shift thoughts and take some of that great advice that you offered to Rich a few weeks ago.
One thing that seems to work pretty well for you is to head INTO the storm. She seems to respond fairly well when you discuss the difficult topics--and maintain some of that emotional neutrality.
So why not just let the steam out, steer into the storm--when she initiates--and then get busy working on you? You've done a good job at quickly identifying how word choices help/hurt, so I'm thinking this might be a good place to start.
Now, let's talk about this victimization status you seem so fond of donning. Is this true?
Yes, I know that living on the edge is a tough place to be. You always have choices, friend. My guess is that you don't want to head across that line, so why not focus on the good stuff and leave all the rest in the pile of "what if"?
Put on your thinking cap. What are the things you've done in the past that show her clearly you're working on forgiveness?
Um, if I might say so, I'd have to observe that this seems to be your #1 obstacle, John. She clearly feels you maintain the virtuous role in your M, and she the villain. What are some things you can do to work on forgiving her--and yourself--for the hurts you've both caused?
More later...
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Betsey 