Well we had a 2 hour delay at the airport and the whole flight to talk and all I can say is, I think I'm done.
I did my best to just listen and validate, but she proceeded to blow me out of the water with the ways in which I have continued to let her down and not change. As recently as a week ago, I though my marriage was saved. It is pretty clear that my adopting the victim role (e.g. "Woo is me for what I have been through") has been, unbeknownst to me, a pretty intense negative guilt reaction for her. She is absolutely, positively sure, that I cannot or will not make the changes she needs (e.g. to not engage in any behaviors she believes serve to blame or threaten her) and that she is done with the relationship, but wants to stay friends etc.
I learned, for instance that when I would say something like that I was proud of myself for sticking through all our stuff this past 8 months, what she was hearing was "you are a horrible bitch for hurting me". When I would say that she hurt my feelings by corresponding with the other guy, she would hear "you are an unfaithful wife".
More recently, since she has confirmed her reestablished desire to divorce, when I say stuff like I'm worried we won't be able to afford two households, she heard "If you divorce me, you won't be able to afford a house". When I said, we'll have to figure out custody for kids, she heard "I'm going to fight you for custody of the kids". And so on.
It's like we are speaking two different languages and I'm speaking through a threat-o-phone. I think I am expressing my feelings, she insisits I am blaming and threatening her.
I'm really trying to be at peace with her decision, and to try and see the bright side in not having to perpetually decode what exactly I've done wrong without even knowing it. We've definitely been here before, but I think my wife's stubborness will guarantee that I won't simply be able to ride this one out.
We did make some progress in that I learned that by simply changing my "You know we'll need to figure out X" to saying "I'm worried about figuring out X" I've changed a threat to a worry.
This still sucks, and I still feel like my life and money are headed down the toilet, but I gotta think that I'm starting to get good at living on the verge of divorce. All it takes is a shattered heart, and battered soul.
