Not sure if you are out there, but I'm using you guys to answer questions I know it is best not to ask of my W.
We had a depressing conversation this am, where I told her I had backed off from affection and physical contact out of respect for her decision, but that I still loved her.
She disclosed a literal laundry list of times she's felt like I still wasn't up to speed in the last several months (that's what her journal is for I guess) and what struck me is how clearly the incidents usually involve my precipitating some kind of guilt reaction from her. For instance, discussions about our spending more money on things that are important to her (e.g. the trip we are on), her relationship with the other guy, etc. What's now clear is that she seems to feel challenged pretty easily (and not in a way that is clear to me at the time) and how our recent discussion about the e-mails was just that.
I've really searched my soul this and I don't think I am trying to push her.
So Bets and Nickel, when you both were in WAW mode, did your husbands do stuff that made you feel challenged or especially guilty about your needs? I'm expectedly down about her latest assertion that divorce is our only option, but I think this time I am also just plain confused.
I think what just happened was that I had been walking on eggshells and when I slipped, she was almost relieved to be able to take back control and to say she was not going to let me make her feel bad anymore.
I know I should just try to wait her out on this. I did a rockin' job at Breakfast this morning (with a large group of college friends) being funny, engaged, and acting as if we were as solid as ever. She seems to take great comfort in this facade of normality. She was even letting me hug her and stuff yesterday until I let her know that I didn't want to challenge her decision by being physically close. She indicated that she was fine with the touching but didn't want to mislead me so maybe it was better that we didn't, she is also adamant that she is not going to "cave" and make this better for me like she would have done in the past.
I'm kind of babbling here, but I'm just not sure if I need to go into LRT mode, try to patiently just listen to her, or what. She's off with some of her friends today, while I try to get work done at the hotel which is great, but typically this is the kind of thing I would have made her feel guilty about in the past. Its like the scripts are so strong for us, that I'm still failing her by past association. Am I making sense?
I'm going to keep on journaling and reading and try to distract myself, but I can't help but get over the fact that we planned this weekend as an explicit attempt to undo our old ways (her going without me, and my making her feel guilty) but its like she's so stuck in her notion of who I was before, she can't let go of her dissapointment.
I think this same dynamic characterizes our past couple of months. (following her decision to give it another go). It's like we've been watching TV and even though the show has changed, she's still wants to change the channel(getting a divorce) because some of the same actors in on.
So Betsey and Nickel, when did you realize that the show had changed and how long was your thumb still stuck on the channel down button?
If it weren't for the kids, I'd almost be happy to get a separation right now, I really can't imagine tip-toeing around my W in perpetuity. Its just not fair to either of us for her to automatically assume the worst of me.
Oh and by some crazy cosmic coincidence, we were given tickets to see Othello last night. The play includes a tradgic misunderstanding through which a jealous husband murders his innocent wife. Major themes of trust, infidelity, anger. Again, I think the old script was so strong for her, she saw me in the miguided, vengeful, out of control protagonist. I joked that at least I wasn't as jealous as Othello, and she quipped "What because you didn't kill me?". OUCH. As an aside the play did bring up some very interesting questions about love, jealousy, and anger. Worth a read/look for some of us here.
Blah, blah, blah, I'm just trying to not be a blob.
