TheRabbitHole by John_P

[therabbithole]

Okay, by golly I think I might actually be able to string together a coherent sentence tonight.

It feels to me like if she can prove to herself that they are just "very close" friends, that it will make what happened go away.

Alright, I'm gonna tackle this head on...I'm gonna go straight at it and just give you a little more to mull.

Let's suppose this is accurate...for the sake of this conversation. It sounds to me like this is your pink elephant. And let me take a guess...you don't want to bring up the topic of the OM because inevitably you believe you're gonna argue about him. You feel anxious about him, she tells you to trust her, you don't, you then basically tell her that she needs to alleviate your distrust in her, she get's mad and you move further from each other.

A few days later, it's still bothering you, so you think and think and think about how to bring it up, but by the time you do, you're even more anxious about the conversation and instead of going in to find understanding, you head into the conversation to convince her, to get her to say "oh honey I'm so sorry, I won't have any contact with him then", and inevitably she doesn't meet your bar because she's not willing to give that up for you yet.

Remember this "He is NOT more important to her than you are. SHE is more important to herself than either you or the OM." So remember, this is about her and not about anyone else. Her choice isn't being made on who's more important, it's being made on principle "you aren't going to control me." Got it?

Okay, moving on.

So picture yourself surrounded by tiny little seahorses. (just kidding...I love Napoleon Dynamite). But seriously, picture yourself and your greatest fears...then picture yourself just sharing them with someone. Knowing that no matter what their response, you're gonna be just fine. Picture there not being only ONE right answer, but several...so many actually that you can't even run through all of them in your head even if the days were longer than 24 hours. Try to imagine your entire head getting clouded with all of these possible answers that you can't even remember which one was going to make you feel better to begin with...that you'll go in with "I already feel better at the sheer fact she was WILLING to take the time to sit down and listen." I say look for the good in it before you even start. Be grateful for the time and consideration given, and don't grade it on response or reaction. I walked into that conversation with my XH already feeling like I had achieved what I set out to do. The fact he was even willing to listen when he didn't have to...is what made my day. Too often we EXPECT things from others. We feel entitled to them...when each day should be treated as a gift. Just because I was his wife doesn't give him the right to EXPECT to be my first choice to do things with. We should always feel priviledged when someone chooses us, no matter how small or big the task.

John_p, let me tell you a little something about me and my XH. Let me tell you about a friend of mine we'll call Mr. ESPN.

Mr. ESPN and I have been friends for 10 years. We went out on one date when we were 18 and I decided that I just wanted to be friends with him. As much as he wanted to be more than that, he graciously accepted what I could give him. He ended up getting a girlfriend who went to my high school (he went do a different one). One day I called Mr. ESPN up and wanted to go do our usual thing of playing tennis then hanging out, but he told me we couldn't do that anymore. Why? Because his GF didn't like us doing that. I totally thought he was a wimp, but after he explained to me that she asked him if he still liked me as more than a friend and he gave her the honest answer of "yes", she put an end to it immediately. As a matter of fact, me and Mr. ESPN didn't get to hang out or even talk on the phone for about 1 1/2 years.

We both went to different colleges, I met my XH, he was still with his GF and all was okay. Until one day in which I had changed colleges, started playing tennis for my new college, ended up playing against his college, and he was there watching...you know cause he's Mr. ESPN. So anyway, we end up reconnecting at a time when I don't have a boyfriend, but he's still got the same GF. This time however he tells her she's going to have to deal with him talking to me and playing tennis and hanging out. Ends up that I get back together with my XH, and about a month later, the GF and Mr. ESPN break up. Well, my XH didn't like me hanging out with Mr. ESPN, so this time it's my boyfriend laying down the ultimatum. So, again, me and Mr. ESPN lose touch, but don't think that I didn't think about him often. On and on the bad timing for me and Mr. ESPN go for the next 7 years...until I decide that my M isn't the way I wanted it to be.

I ended up mending a lot of broken relationships after I decided to leave my XH...including the one I feel me and Mr. ESPN missed out on. Well, ends up, it was good timing for the both of us...his fiance had just called off the wedding and I was getting ready to get a divorce...FINALLY we're in the same place at the same time (emotional f'd up, but same place ). Me and Mr. ESPN started hanging out again, playing tennis, going out with friends all the time (this was before my D). But here's where it get's good and this is really where you should be paying attention. That entire time, I still missed my XH. I was still very confused and feeling guilty about my actions of having a good time with Mr. ESPN, but also feeling like I had more than just friendship feelings for him. So, what did I do...I moved back in to the house...we went to counseling. At this time, I was waiting for my XH to do all the work still. I was running a double life almost...and I was careful not to let those lives mix. I didn't hide the fact that Mr. ESPN was there when I went out...as a matter of fact I offered it up as part of my details...but what I didn't do...my XH didn't get to see my text messages, listen to my voicemails, nor did he get to meet Mr. ESPN. Can you believe that...my XH, who I'd been with for 9 years, has never met Mr. ESPN. I had a good reason for that...Mr. ESPN was always my back up plan.

So...I'd say that what we need to figure out is how you maneuver the waters to make her believe she doesn't need a backup plan. For the record...I still hang out with and talk to Mr. ESPN, but whenever my XH wants to be a part of my life, I'm excited about them meeting. Before, I was afraid that my XH would be able to sense or feel the feelings I had for Mr. ESPN if we were in the presence of one another. Honestly, I think the two of them would get along TOO well.