Brilliant?? Well, if you knew all my blunders and moments of weakness (many), you would think again! BUT, thanks for the compliment.
While I shared my story on Slowly's thread, I still have yet to master yours and Betsey's technique of non-threatening, responsible and respectful communication. I have made the first step by trying to always express an emotion as "I feel" or "It's my perception." etc. That seems to work, I think. I try not to use terms like ALWAYS, NEVER, etc.
I agree, I too (and perhaps even now) go into situations expecting a certain response, telling myeslf that if I don't get that, then I will be disappointed, and it will surely mean that H does not care. While parts of the caring might be true, I also think that the quote of "not love you the way you need, but the best way they can" applies here. It's not fair to H to constantly set a bar in my mind that he's not aware of. It's not fair to me either, the constant disappointment is awful, makes you feel like you're spinning. I realize that I too make so many assumptions with his words or actions. Really, if we landed ourselves in this mess, who are we to assume and think that we know the person that well. One of the things that H and I admitted is that we don't know the other person as well as we thought....so, talking and expressing is the best way, SAFELY. See, this is where I used to screw up.
I like the approach of, "here are my feelings, it's out there, no expectations..." I find that with little pressure, H really comes around. Like your XH, in the face of expectations, he turns away...he admitted that he knew I needed things but withheld because of our bad behavior cycle.
I am trying to stop being so emotionally tied during our more heated discussions...b/c all the lessons seem to fly out the window. But, proudly, there have been a few times when H was emotional and I was calm and settled him down. Also, last night presented a situation common in our M that was difficult...H being angry and foul mood and withdrawing and being self-centered, and me withdrawing friendship. I pushed and gave the friendship, he actually accepted and leaned on me instead of pushing me away in self-pity mode. He was still VERY self-focused, but, when I did not overindulge him with friendship, he snapped out of it and actually showed care for me. Small steps, but it seemed HUGE that we approached a common thing in a different way. I feel it's progress.
It's a learned art, that's for sure. No matter how much you detach or have no expectations, the reality is that you do. Or else you would have no connection. I am finding that it's a matter of finding techniques in communication like today, and also giving as much as you can, happily, and be surprised at what you get in return. I like who i am....and I don't want to be so tied to H's emotions, our R sitch and the drama of it all that I stop being me...like withdrawing friendship, stop doing nice things, getting upset, demanding, getting panicked.
OK, enough rambling. I guess I have a lot to learn, and I look forward to this new technique.
