Yes, I've been into that thread a few times today. You're post there was not only brilliant, but also enlightening. I appreciate you sharing your own expeiences. I'll go to say that Betsey directed me to it as I had been facing something similar in my dealings with my XH and was stuck in this R that was really going nowhere fast.
If you can picture a visual. I was stepping to the left, so he could step forward, then I took a step forward just before he took a step to the right, then I took a step to the right so he could take a step backward, then I took a step backward so he could take a step to the left. Round and round we'd go, carefuly maneuvering out of each other's way so not to create conflict...all the while watching everything we had in the middle just stay in the middle...no mention of it...ever...we were getting along fabulously on the outside, but could sense that we weren't really connecting on the inside.
So, on my own thread I took a long hard look inside...to determine what it was about the situation that I had that made me soooooo uncomfortable, angry, and resentful. And I asked "who exactly am I resentful and angry at? him? me? the dog?" Trust me, Betsey and I spent DAYS on this. DAYS I tell you...with me continuing to be skeptical of what she was telling me.
For the life of me I couldn't picture the conversation going any differently than it had in the past. All I kept thinking was "I've done this before, I hope he reacts differently...I want him to _____." Ahh, but this time, when I got to that thought i realized the fatal flaw of my approach. And this is where I made careful note. "why did I want to talk to him about this?"..."Why did it matter?"..."Why did I care so much about what he was going to think or feel?"...and most importantly.."why was I even speculating on his response?" If I"m speculating on his response it's because I'm trying to counter something I'm anticipating him saying...so if the reason why I'm going to go talk to him about how I feel is to gain genuine understanding, why do I even care to imagine what his response might be?
I realized something, "I was anxious about it and I thought he was my ONLY solution to alleviating it." So before I would continue to go to him hoping his response would be something in particular...that there was only one response that would make it all better for me. Guess what...never happens because my approach is such that I believe he senses I'm putting him into a trap...he believes I'm setting up the conversation to go the way I want it to go and if I really look back, I was LEADING him into what I wanted him to say.
So instead...I approached him with my feelings...I even told him it was a little scary for me to do so, not because I thought he would hurt me, but because it's so new for me that I haven't gotten fully comfortable with it. I told him how I felt and was not looking for him to do anything about it. I also realized that there isn't any solution that works for both of us that would make me feel any more comfortable, but just letting him know did that for me. I wasn't relying on him to make the situation better, as it's my responsibilty to learn to deal with it. I did tell him that I would like for the assumptions to stop...that if he did think that something was difficult for me but he was asking out of the good nature of his heart..not manipulating me, then I wanted him to approach the emotions in the room then address his needs. He didn't agree outright, but I do know that he was listening...and I do know that will be THE most difficult thing for him to do. However, I now have the door open to call out the pink elephant in the room without starting an arguement.
Okay...sorry John_p, little sidetrack there...but I'm still trying to tackle your questions. I'll be back.
Nickel
"The walls we build around us to keep sadness out also keeps out the joy."
