I think you are on to something, but to be honest, that is what killed me last night. I wanted her to make me feel better about what I read, and instead she let me know that we've been over this too many times, that she was confused about him for a period of time but realizes that it was only a fantasy and that she has a right to e-mail whoever she wants without my snooping through it.
I just wanted her to say she loved me and that she was sorry that she hurt me, but I do know that this is exactly my problem. It is so easy to preach to others on the board about not having wants/expectations, but boy is it difficult to do. I've spouted the "right or married" choice so many times here, but I think what I am struggling with is the fact that I'm terrified that even one misstep will send her back to Mr. Unconditional Acceptance. I know that she has/ is not having an affair, but she really did say she loved this guy (to him and me) when she dropped the bomb last june , and I just can't seem to find my inner peace about him.
Nickel, maybe you can elaborate on how you reconcile, in your own mind, your divorcing XH and now hoping that he can put that past him and try again. I suspect that for my W there is some real ambivalence and guilt around her contact with this guy and I know that she blames me for having created the conditions under which this whole situation started. It feels to me like if she can prove to herself that they are just "very close" friends, that it will make what happened go away. She has never copped to anything except confusion, the most I've ever gotten is I'm sorry IT hurt you. Why am I so caught up in wanting more? What have I been doing that keeps her guard up with respect to this?
I know I'm babbling and stealing this thread, an old habit of mine.
Still, I really want imput on how to reconcile my need for some kind of resolution with respect to the OM, with my very sincere acknowlegement that my methods for achieving this, short of stuffing it down inside, have really tanked. I also sense that she is willing to throw in the towel over this issue, whenever I go there, I can almost hear a door slamming shut.
I like posting feedback better than questions, thats for sure!
And now we're real time people.
Nickel
"The walls we build around us to keep sadness out also keeps out the joy."
