Where to go and what to do?

[JRB]

Hey F4W,

Sorry, I've been gone, and missed the whole V-Day story until now. Sorry I wasn't there to weigh in at the time. I've spent tonight catching up.

I've watched your story for a year now, and the overwhelming impression I have is that you and your wife are "out of phase". Meaning that you oscillate between laying back and letting things happen, to applying pressure, insisting on answers and resolution, saying that enough is enough. Meanwhile your W starts being comfortable and complacent with the "laid back" you, and flips over to the "We need to divorce" line when you flip over to pressure mode.

I think you need to settle in and be consistent for the long haul. Pick wherever you want to be on the emotional / pressure spectrum and stay there. If she says "what do I do with the resume", say whatever ("hire me"), but maybe lay off the provoking responses. Each time you flip over in your approach, she flips back to "I'm not doing it right" mode and you're back where you started. Your 180 might be staying consistent, not provoking, letting it ride, not taking the bait, taking the long view, etc. etc., etc.

For whatever it's worth.....

[Fighting4Wife]

JRB,

Yes you are correct and I am working back towards this. It is just amazingly hard in this holding pattern and feeling a bit less than what I think I am and offer to our marriage.

Just a brief update.

Personally stuggling having my Wife away and all three kids. Something is pecking at my brain and I ignore it. Probably for good reason. I have not yet talked to her today, she said she would call at 3:00 or 4:00 that time has come and gone.

As expected Wives; Grandfather has passed, this happened yesterday. Then sveeral hours later we I had to share with her one of our friend (not close, but professional) had dies in a car accident when he crossed the center line. His teen daughter in serious condition in hospital after 4 hour surgery.

I am all for having a little adversity, but come on folks, this is just unreal. After having to deal with our marital troubles, my mother passes, more marital mistakes, her GF passes, and now a friend. WOW!

Hopefully she can find it in her heart to call her family tonight

Just venting I guess. But it still stings to know I and her kids are again not important enough to call and say hello, I miss you!

F4W

[Fighting4Wife]

Well after a long night of working through my gambit of emotions I have returned to a place I have been before. That being I need to only have expectations for my behavior and interactions. Not for my Wife. Through that I can find my peace in that I am giving to this marriage that which I am able to give.

W called from breakfast and sounded rather tired and horse. I am sure she and her sister did some partying and to tell the truth I think I am OK with that. I have sought comfort in a higher power and have faith in his decisions.

Small talk and what not. She is not due back until later tonight. So my kids are anxious and I am excited to have my Wife home. This whole process has created a person who misses his Wife more and more when we are apart.

So I am better today. Thanks to my great friends here. You guys are awesome!

F4W

[Fighting4Wife]

Hangin out with me and the boys again. W is at services for GF. Actually has been vey nice since her return. I am in a spot I like for now. Working on maintaining my love for my wife w/o being critical of her.

Actually talked with her on the phone prior to leaving for a 2 hour meeting tonight (GM watched kids) and she said ILY :

This is the first time in a LONG time she has said it first. HUGE HUGE HUGE, I simply replied ILY too dear. Last night was her first night home and she came out and said GN with a kiss (this is normal) and said if that is alright. I said of course it is. You have had a long weekend and have to travel again tomorrow. You do not need to ask if it is ok, but thank you for doing so.

Part is her guilt of being away, part may be the dormant side is awakening a bit, but none the less it was nice to have a true feeling of normalcy come over me.

So here is to a good tomorrow.

F4W

[WCW]

F4W, I'm never quite sure if I should post here or over in Newcomers for you. But either way, I think you did a wonderful post to finish out aynesr's thread. Wonderful and thoughtful, truly great words. And much of what you said applies to YOU as well. Remember what you told aynesr when you look in the mirror!

[Fighting4Wife]

Thanks to all of you for your kind words and support.

Journaling a bit....

W got back from services yesterday and we chatted on the phone for awhile. There is a noticible difference in her demeanor and candor on the phone. Not over analyzing it, but I believe the issues of thepast days with so much death in our lives may have shook her a bit. She is just chatty with me, not to complain, just refreshing we are having this type of interaction.

She calle d work to remind me that I had to pick up kids, she had a meeting (not on my calendar ) and she asked if that was a problem. I replied no, I ca modify my workout to be just a 45 minute run today, more chit chat and I sai I love talking with you but I do need to get back to work. She callled back 30 minutes later that she arranged for sitter to take S9 to guitar and I could have an extended workout. I thanked her and said, I really just want to run so I will be home shortly after S9 arrives back.

The rest of the night I was constantly occupying myself. Dinner, baths, laundry, cleaning. When she arrived I treated it as nothing special. Mind you I have only seen my wife 1 day in the past 6 days. This is a 180 for me, sually I am like a puppy when owner comes home .

She sits down with S9 to have dinenr, she had to get him form a friends, and asks if it is alright if she does so, My reply? "W you need to eat, go eat." I said it lovingly.

The rest of the night she is trying to clean also and we keep crossing each others paths. She looks for a response from me, what response I do not know, but I smile and keep busy. Later I am folding the laundry I started, she looks at me and says "You could have left it in the dryer" I replied "yup, I could have but I just decided to fold it" She mumbles "Of course you did" Now I catch myself but I did shoot her a look and said "What is the issue on this?" She said "nothing" I let it drop.

Evening went on with normalacy, little family conflicts with kids and such, nothing out of the ordinary.

Thing that suprised me is when she was ready for bed and kids all down she came out for our nightly GN kiss, it was more with feeling and actually got a hug and a second kiss and a hand squeeze. Cuddling during night and in morning.

Why? I do not care. I do know that I have made a committment to myself to detach and detach I have. I also have made the committment to not approach her for more than a kiss or hug, I will not initiate anything beyond that. I am doing so for myself, not punitive, I feel I need to eliminate rejection and that drama. So far so good going on 7 days. A lot of cold showers and long runs, but I really feel I need to esatblish a comfort level for operation for myself. We will see how this goes.

I am going to go on a limb here, it has been 7 days since we ML. Now if past practice holds treue, she should approach me tonight and make the "we need to do this for you" speech. I am not sure how I am going to approach it. I think the safe course is to oblige without any comment, in fact act as if and make it a happy experience. Who would of thunk I would be so troubled about my W approaching me for that?????!!!!!

F4W

[Fighting4Wife]

REMEBERED....

My 1st post of the day was interupted several times b/c of work, interestig tid-bit here.

About 1 hour after W came home, kids were starting to irritate her. So I walk in and ask S3 and S6 if they want to play a board game. They jumped at it. So we go pick one out, chutes and ladders of course, and we play. Soon S9 comes out and wants to play. Low and behold, W emerges a few minutes later and sits on couch. I am on floor with kids and my head 6 inches away from her foot. She asks what we are playing, S6 replies "Chutes and Ladders duh?" I start laughing. A few moments later W asks am I in your way? Does my feet stink? I really did not hear her the first time (I was winning !!! and keeping S3 from cheating to beat me) She repeats it. I say no to both questions without breaking stride in my game.

I found this interesting. I am not reading into it, but I do believe she feels the guilt of her not being around for a week. I also see this as her subtle way of saying, "What about me? Why have you not done what you normally do when I am not around?"

Also, I called her yesterday and asked her out for a lunch date. She actually accepted. Whoo Hooo!

Ok done remebering for now!

F4W

[Fighting4Wife]

OK who switched the bus driver on my tour bus of serenity now (Seinfield reference her). Going along fine today. No problems, swimming along and POW!!!!!

Where in the hell did this urge come from to call my wife? The urge to offer a romantic, massage laden night with her? To flirt with her over the phone?

Bad F4W!!!!! I have fought it off all day. Too bad we do not have showers here. So I am hoping posting will help a bit to fight back the urge.

Alright, now the Busdriver has pulled over for a rest stop at nowhere else but "PITYLAND", it is right next to LAKE PO' LIL OL ME (PLOM for short). You guys know this amusemnet park/circus. They have a great rollercoaster! I think I am going to buy 30 tickets and ride that sommab*tch all F'n day!!!!!

Actually interested in the performers that they have on tap for today:

"Buster the Clown", his specialty is putting his foot in his mouth then inserting his head in his Arse!

"Franco the Feabile" is giving his performance how to emasculate yourself by supressing your desires to please your spouse and yourself at the same time.

"Wanda the Bearded WAW" will show you how to string your S along and keep them second guessing if they should breathe or not!

The midway is always a fun spot!

"Ring toss" try and toss your wedding ring on your S finger and make it stay there! You win a "Beer Mirror"

"Water Race" See how many gallons of cold water it takes to keep you from ripping the clothes of your sexy W. You win a case of Blue Ballitis ( )

"The guess my weight booth" How much weight can a human pobbibly drop in 1 month? Winner gets 1 year membership to Jenny Craig!

My personal favorite....

"The dunk tank" Except in this park they hold you head under water until panic sets in and you thrash about wildly. This is a must for the S that just engaged in an activity to see if their S loves them.

Serenity Now......Serenity Now.....Serenity Now.... SERENITY NOW!!!!!!

OK feeling better, just clubbed the busdriver and stuffed him in the luggage rack!

F4W