I've been thinking about this for a while. While in Counseling a few years back my C told me that I needed to grieve the loss of my dreams.
The reason she brought this up was to get me healthy. She told me that I needed to accept and then grieve the loss of the dreams that I'd had that I was probably never going to have. Or at least needed to face it and accept it to get healthy.
It took me a few months to do and at first I didn't like it. But I did it. I've forgotten about it now and it has been several years. But I've been much happier since as well as healthier in my thinking.
Where did I get those dreams? Movies. Romantic movies and pictures planted in my mind as a kid and teenager that went along with my personality. Now I'm only talking here about one of the dreams...as pertains to this forum.
What were those dreams? Well, I've never read a romance novel. I wouldn't dare, because I'd probably really like them and I see no point in wasting my time. But the long haired, buff, romantic..saying all the right words with candles, music, dancing...leading up to wonderful, loving, hot, romantic sex. Ok, enough..ha ha.
I was holding Barney up for many, many years in our marriage to the expectation of making me feel the feelings I got when I either saw an incredible romantic movie or the fantasy of it that I had in my mind.
What was the result? In my mind I was often critical of him. Our first time to Hawaii I expected us to lay on the beach in the waves and kiss! ha ha...seen that movie? Really! Ride horses through the surf with the wind blowing through our hair, smiling, then stopping for a long passionate kiss. Well, none of that happened. And I remember getting upset with him becaues he never even held my hand while we were there.
Looking back, my unrealistic expection and "dream" made the time we had "fair" in my mind.
But what I've learned since grieving the loss of my dreams is that reality is really ok. Dr. Laura has some TERRIFIC things she says about this and she really helped me see this too.
I was missing out on the great things about Barney because I was holding him up to a dream in my head.
The first man I had a serious R with was when I was 18. He was an incredible romantic. He swept me off my feet and looking back I didn't really even like him that much! ha ha
One day I thought..well, if I had a man who was that incredible romantic..the guy in the novel... Anyway, who else would he be beyond the romance and passion???
I've noticed some have posted about one of their Sexual Partners having been the most increbile lover...but where are they now? If being an incredible lover was the foundational part of the R then why aren't they still together?
All I can say is that I saw for the first time several years ago, that I'd wasted time on pursuing my "dreams"...rather than appreciating the man that I had.
I actually stopped looking to him to "fill me up" and have come to appreciate and want to get to know and understand more of who he is. That was when I stopped trying to be heard, several years ago...and started learning to listen and to accept.
I'm sure not the sex goddess he wants or dreams of....but I'm a pretty great wife who is, at least, trying.
