"It is later, probably when he is sexually frustrated, he'll generally say as a whole how lacking our S life has ALWAYS been."
Oh good grief. Not one of those "always"-type comments. Those are so frustrating. You ALWAYS do this or you NEVER do that, when it is clear those statements are not true. I think you should ask him point blank, what is it about our SL that has "always" been bad? It is obviously not the individual encounters because you say X & Y afterwards.
"Then I'm afraid to ask him things because I just don't want to find out how inept I am at Sex or anything physical."
Well, if he is crass enough to say something stupid like "you are inept" then you have a whole new problem dealing with respect. You should respond by calmly stating that if you have a problem with my "technique" then why don't you bring it up during or immediately after and BE SPECIFIC.
If you feel like you don't have the skills that you think you should have, then maybe some of the ladies here can suggest some reading for you. I'm sure you could become skilled in no time.
Chrome
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
My H has NEVER used the word inept. I'm sorry for making it sound that way. I just feel that way after the conversation. And, usually, and unforutnately it was probably not in conversation but argument!
Those of which I will never do again. Argue about Sex. VERY destructive!
You suggestion about jumping in the shower is good. I wish I'd have been mature and secure enough to do that one years ago. I might not be where I am today.
"My H has NEVER used the word inept. I'm sorry for making it sound that way. I just feel that way after the conversation. And, usually, and unforutnately it was probably not in conversation but argument!"
I'm glad to hear that. Often times (and I am probably the most guilty of this) we hear things even though they are not said, thought, or even implied.
"Those of which I will never do again. Argue about Sex. VERY destructive!"
It is interesting how something that is supposed to be one of if not the most positive things we can do with another person is such a source of destruction, grief, and anger.
"I wish I'd have been mature and secure enough to do that one years ago. I might not be where I am today."
MEGA DITTOS! Just because I suggest it, doesn't mean I could do it, even now unfortunately.
Chrome
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
I've been thinking about this for a while. While in Counseling a few years back my C told me that I needed to grieve the loss of my dreams.
The reason she brought this up was to get me healthy. She told me that I needed to accept and then grieve the loss of the dreams that I'd had that I was probably never going to have. Or at least needed to face it and accept it to get healthy.
It took me a few months to do and at first I didn't like it. But I did it. I've forgotten about it now and it has been several years. But I've been much happier since as well as healthier in my thinking.
Where did I get those dreams? Movies. Romantic movies and pictures planted in my mind as a kid and teenager that went along with my personality. Now I'm only talking here about one of the dreams...as pertains to this forum.
What were those dreams? Well, I've never read a romance novel. I wouldn't dare, because I'd probably really like them and I see no point in wasting my time. But the long haired, buff, romantic..saying all the right words with candles, music, dancing...leading up to wonderful, loving, hot, romantic sex. Ok, enough..ha ha.
I was holding Barney up for many, many years in our marriage to the expectation of making me feel the feelings I got when I either saw an incredible romantic movie or the fantasy of it that I had in my mind.
What was the result? In my mind I was often critical of him. Our first time to Hawaii I expected us to lay on the beach in the waves and kiss! ha ha...seen that movie? Really! Ride horses through the surf with the wind blowing through our hair, smiling, then stopping for a long passionate kiss. Well, none of that happened. And I remember getting upset with him becaues he never even held my hand while we were there.
Looking back, my unrealistic expection and "dream" made the time we had "fair" in my mind.
But what I've learned since grieving the loss of my dreams is that reality is really ok. Dr. Laura has some TERRIFIC things she says about this and she really helped me see this too.
I was missing out on the great things about Barney because I was holding him up to a dream in my head.
The first man I had a serious R with was when I was 18. He was an incredible romantic. He swept me off my feet and looking back I didn't really even like him that much! ha ha
One day I thought..well, if I had a man who was that incredible romantic..the guy in the novel... Anyway, who else would he be beyond the romance and passion???
I've noticed some have posted about one of their Sexual Partners having been the most increbile lover...but where are they now? If being an incredible lover was the foundational part of the R then why aren't they still together?
All I can say is that I saw for the first time several years ago, that I'd wasted time on pursuing my "dreams"...rather than appreciating the man that I had.
I actually stopped looking to him to "fill me up" and have come to appreciate and want to get to know and understand more of who he is. That was when I stopped trying to be heard, several years ago...and started learning to listen and to accept.
I'm sure not the sex goddess he wants or dreams of....but I'm a pretty great wife who is, at least, trying.
sounds like you both need to let go of some dreams.
whats your frequency? Do you have a schedule?
If being an incredible lover was the foundational part of the R then why aren't they still together?
its not the foundation. Being a family is the foundation. Mutual interests. Shared goals. Compatible beliefs. Family fights, loves, shouts, hugs, but you accept your family for who they are at the end of the day even when they really PISS you off.
Without these things sex is just sex. It can be fun, physically satisfying, but without the rest its just a body function.
When you add sex to all the previous things, it becomes a cement that makes two people stick like glue.
I really quit telling my age 3 years ago, when I was 45!
Yes, I started letting go of some unrealistic expectations over the past number of years and have been happier as a result. I wish I'd have seen it sooner! I guess that change often doesn't happen until we are in enough pain to force us into it. I'm remembering that now and am so much more open to change!!!!!!!!
Somehow settling that comes as a result of experience and age helps to ease the pain of wrinkles and cellulite!
Barney and I have not been having sex for several months. At his request. I guess it is the all or nothing thinking that he is struggling with as he's talked about in his story.
We'd worked some things out...or so I thought. At that point(several months back) Sex was 2-3 times a week...it didn't last long as there were underlying issues that apparently needed resolution.
"I wish I'd have been mature and secure enough to do that one years ago. I might not be where I am today."
Where are you in your own sexual exceptance? Do you hold back a side of your sexual self? Does what you do feel natural to you? Do you feel kissing is initating sex? By that I mean is kissing a means of intitating sex for you?
I am pretty sexually open. But there was a time not so long ago. Even I would not be so blantley truthful about my sexuality. I was not comfortable with it so did not act upon it. But the thoughts wants and desires were there they just went unacknowledged. It took me acting on some of my sexual impulses to become comfortable with them.
There are certain things I am still not sexually comfortable with. But they border on the lines of things I am also not sexually interested in. Like threesomes and anal sex. Yeah but no thank you. Not even gonna go there. But I have defined and can seperated the things I am comfortable with and the things I am just not interested in.
Would you be comfortable in telling Barn what you want and how you want it straight out? If not is it because you are uncomfotable with it or fear the rejection you might face.
I'm sure not the sex goddess he wants or dreams of....but I'm a pretty great wife who is, at least, trying.
Nice girl no one can discredit you for trying. I remember reading all your post from even before I was here. God knows you have a heart of gold and determination that I lack.
Oh yes, I know Barney has never seen all that I could be sexually. Why? Because I feel judged by him...and found lacking.
I see this. I also see why you would feel this way.
Pole dancing! Yea, I could learn that. But, not when his heel is in my back and I feel pressured to be some sex goddess. I'd love to surprise him..but the MO is complaints at some point about anything I've tried. Kills my mood.
I understand that you feel there is a a lack of appreciation for your efforts. My last post to Barn addresses this in food anology type terms as best I could.
Communication is also a big thing to me...I don't particularly like raw sex type of words...I"m the musician..poetry, music, having our own words for things...I like that.
I understand that to there are certain words that I dont paticularly like either. Maybe the coming together on that is to make sure the words you use are still strong and direct not flowery. Goodnight kiss is Gel and her H code word for BJ. They may not be masculine or dominant enough for Barn. I take Barn saying I want you to suck my d@k may be offensive to you and a turn off. I also take that you saying I want to give you a goodnight kiss is not provoking enough to be a turn on to Barn. But I am sure there is a middle ground in there.
Hey, tell me how and give me suggestions!
Would be great if he would do this at the time and do it in a gentle engaging way instead of in a insulting you don't know how to please me way. Sensative subjects and the way we approach them cause so many issues and hurt not intended.
I didn't talk about how it made me all wet...that's just not me! Maybe I could email him that..but it wouldn't be true
So you are not comfortable stating something like this. I understand that BF suggested I call my H a big stud muffin once well maybe twice. And it is just not me how I talk to him or even think about him. I giggle at just the thought of saying that to him. Now maybe in a joking mannor I could do this. But straight up nahh.
But your wordage makes me wonder a second thing. But it would'nt be true. It would not be true as in fact. You would be lying to him to say it made you wet or it would not be true to your nature to say such a thing?
But I loved it and thought it was terrific...is that so bad?
No its wonderful you found satisfaction in it. It is a shame a lot of us lack the ability to take such satisfaction in the simple aspects of our lifes.
