I haven't posted in a few months. Just trying to do the right thing, you know?
Went to some counseling in November. Talked to a DB coach too.
Basically since then I've been who I AM. Endeavoring not to react. Haven't blown up at my H. I'm seeing the why's of things now. That is helpful.
Our R has been better, as far as I'm concerned, although I never really know what my H thinks. He has said it is better. WE've been getting along and I'd felt like were happy as far as laughing together...I've been enjoying his company...which I realized I had not been. The reason was I've always felt like I wasn't performing sexually...that was what was important to him and without that for him there was no relationship.
So I guess whenever we had sex he wasn't enjoying it because he felt like I was faking it. I wasn't faking it...but there is a huge thing that goes on in your head when you feel like you need to try and "be" something for your spouse to love you...basically.
Anyway, I put it all aside. Just tried to enjoy being together and that hopefully he'd want to have more to do with me....he has not wanted sex.
After the holidays have been going to the gym...as much as I can make it...only 2-3 times a week for about 3 weeks. Just take it a day at a time. Been doing a vegetable...fruit..lean meat type of healthy diet.
I'm doing all this for me. This is who I am. I was a slim exercising person before marriage....not perfect...but decent. I'm trying to do/be what I am regardless of his reaction to me....
H doesn't mean to...but he is not an encouraging person...
We had to go away a few days on business last week...I was feeling good about our R and I'd lost about 6 lbs so I mustered up the courage to lay down on top of him and start kissing him in the hotel while he was watching tv. I did it because I WANTED TO! And I had the courage to do so because I thought it would be postitive...it has taken me 3 months to get to that place...feeling like our R was strong enough to do so.
He laid there. Didn't look at me. Kept looking at the tv. Ok. I didn't let it get to me...I kept kissing...no resonse. I did this for maybe a minute and a half...I told him something along the lines of "Sex sounds really fun"..something like that. I dont' remember his response..was something like "I don't know".
So I got up and went to the bathroom. I sucked it up and started exercising. No talking...pleasant evening...I snuggled him a little and he did not reciprocate.
I kept my "chin up" attitute.
But I woke up in the morning and it has felt downhill for me personally since then. It is a struggle to get the motivation to cook, go to work, even be with my kids....
We did get in an argument the morning after...we both apologized to each other and it turned out ok.
He says he doesn't know how to have sex with me...that type of thing...I don't know...I understand...but...
Our R isn't what I'd like...but it is at least better. I know things take time.
I just get so tired of having to use so much energy to pick myself up out of these holes that the attempt to be close in our relationship seems to thrust me into.
I have to find the motivation to want to wash clothes, pick up the house, shop, cook clean...DO MY JOB at work WELL. Well, what I do is...don't wait for the feeling...I just "DO IT." I get busy doing what I am supposed to do and it helps me to forget about it all.
I guess I was expecting a response since things had been going so well for a few months. I even ititiated...having felt so rotten about my body after his comments about it in NOvember.
Nicegal will pick herself up now. Go shower, go back to working..from home today....do the right thing today...choose to be happy...put a smile on my face...
