I haven't posted in a few months. Just trying to do the right thing, you know?
Went to some counseling in November. Talked to a DB coach too.
Basically since then I've been who I AM. Endeavoring not to react. Haven't blown up at my H. I'm seeing the why's of things now. That is helpful.
Our R has been better, as far as I'm concerned, although I never really know what my H thinks. He has said it is better. WE've been getting along and I'd felt like were happy as far as laughing together...I've been enjoying his company...which I realized I had not been. The reason was I've always felt like I wasn't performing sexually...that was what was important to him and without that for him there was no relationship.
So I guess whenever we had sex he wasn't enjoying it because he felt like I was faking it. I wasn't faking it...but there is a huge thing that goes on in your head when you feel like you need to try and "be" something for your spouse to love you...basically.
Anyway, I put it all aside. Just tried to enjoy being together and that hopefully he'd want to have more to do with me....he has not wanted sex.
After the holidays have been going to the gym...as much as I can make it...only 2-3 times a week for about 3 weeks. Just take it a day at a time. Been doing a vegetable...fruit..lean meat type of healthy diet.
I'm doing all this for me. This is who I am. I was a slim exercising person before marriage....not perfect...but decent. I'm trying to do/be what I am regardless of his reaction to me....
H doesn't mean to...but he is not an encouraging person...
We had to go away a few days on business last week...I was feeling good about our R and I'd lost about 6 lbs so I mustered up the courage to lay down on top of him and start kissing him in the hotel while he was watching tv. I did it because I WANTED TO! And I had the courage to do so because I thought it would be postitive...it has taken me 3 months to get to that place...feeling like our R was strong enough to do so.
He laid there. Didn't look at me. Kept looking at the tv. Ok. I didn't let it get to me...I kept kissing...no resonse. I did this for maybe a minute and a half...I told him something along the lines of "Sex sounds really fun"..something like that. I dont' remember his response..was something like "I don't know".
So I got up and went to the bathroom. I sucked it up and started exercising. No talking...pleasant evening...I snuggled him a little and he did not reciprocate.
I kept my "chin up" attitute.
But I woke up in the morning and it has felt downhill for me personally since then. It is a struggle to get the motivation to cook, go to work, even be with my kids....
We did get in an argument the morning after...we both apologized to each other and it turned out ok.
He says he doesn't know how to have sex with me...that type of thing...I don't know...I understand...but...
Our R isn't what I'd like...but it is at least better. I know things take time.
I just get so tired of having to use so much energy to pick myself up out of these holes that the attempt to be close in our relationship seems to thrust me into.
I have to find the motivation to want to wash clothes, pick up the house, shop, cook clean...DO MY JOB at work WELL. Well, what I do is...don't wait for the feeling...I just "DO IT." I get busy doing what I am supposed to do and it helps me to forget about it all.
I guess I was expecting a response since things had been going so well for a few months. I even ititiated...having felt so rotten about my body after his comments about it in NOvember.
Nicegal will pick herself up now. Go shower, go back to working..from home today....do the right thing today...choose to be happy...put a smile on my face...
If my wife ever laid down on top of me in a hotel and started to kiss me.. I don't know if I would respond either.... Why? BEACSUE I WOULD HAVE PASSED OUT RIGHT THERE FROM SHOCK! I'd be out cold!
Coming from the mind of a HD person.. It's cool to see the progress you are making, in feeling better about yourself, in excercizing, and even initiating. Keep at it! I wish your husband would respond more, I just don't get the guys who have their wives asking for intimacy and then not reacting. Makes no sense to us HD guys!
My husband is the HDS! I don't get it either! No response whatsoever after 3 months of what I felt were some sparks happening in the R. I thought it would be safe to at least initiate kissing! I was devastated...understatement!
I guess he had too many years of not enough sex that now he doesn't want it anymore...that is sure not what I wanted!
It has thrown me into a tailspin the past week and I"m just trying to keep putting one foot in front of the other doing the right thing....it really dented my motivation...
I'm just not a depressed type person and so I am just purposing to snap out of this today. I have to.
I wonder if it could be one of two things: 1) he is mad at you for the times you did not give him sex, has detached from you, and decided at some point that sex with you was a dead issue (in other words, he is angry and wants some revenge), or 2) he is seeing someone else. Could this be possible?
Your idea that he hasn’t had much sex for many years and has therefore grown to not want it can only be true if he has been castrated (or has some other physical malady). My guess is that years of no sex has only made him want it more. But maybe not with you.
It's good to see you back again (well, not really, for YOU, but you know what I mean)... remember when people thought you were my wife?
Don't underestimate the POWER of the fact that he may just have grown cold from too much rejection over too long a period of time. Whether that's taken the form of resentment, or just low libido from "stuffing it" all those times, to calculated revenge and wanting to see you suffer -- or some combination of all of those -- I believe that's probably what's going on.
Nicegal, Why on earth didn't you ask him about it?
Why get resentful over it and stew about it for weeks?
At the VERY moment you felt blown off, why not say "H what's going on?"
I think avoiding the conflict that's *really* at the heart of your marital problems, and then blowing up about something unrelated, is at the root of things.
I think you are right. At this point, it is not an affair. We are with each other too much..work together..et al. I also know his demeanor well enough to know that...now.
We were in such a deep dark pit that getting out of it takes time. There is a lot of trust that has to be rebuilt on both of our parts.
Actually our relationship has gotten better, progressively. I think I just want it to go into "warp speed"...and the engines are still being worked on! I guess I thought things were ready to "power up"...but..not.
What I did learn from my experience last week...was that I will not just "try" something again. We'll have to talk first...beforehand..sometime. He probably didn't know if I wanted to go somewhere with the kissing..I didn't either...it actually depended on what he felt..which I guess was nothing. I'm sure I took him by surprise and he just didn't know how to handle it (which was pretty much what he said about it). I choose to believe that.
I got my head on straight today. I'm not going to keep on taking it personally...even though I could...I'm going to get back up in the saddle and keep doing what I was doing before this MINOR (I CHOOSE to see it as such) setback. NOT BECAUSE I FEEL like it..but because keeping on wallowing in this is a cheeseless tunnel.
I like what I saw somebody wrote at the bottom of their posts...something like "Just because they don't express love in a way that makes you feel loved....doesn't mean they don't love you."
I'm going to work out this evening....just because it is what my heart wants to do...not because I have the promise of a knight in shining armor...which was always my motivation years ago!
Waiting to see if it will last? Maybe...love never gives up. I'll just have to keep doing what I am doing because it is right....whether or not he ever responds back or not.
In my husbands defense: He is much kinder to me, and a biggie...HE is not holding grudges against me for little things..he is not withdrawing and clamming up and not talking..he is being more upbeat!!!! All those things alone are wonderful...and if we never had sex again he is a good man and worth staying married to.
I did ask him about it the following morning. His answer was, basically, that it caught him off guard and he didn't know what to expect.
I quit stewing today. I wasn't thinking about it as we'd both said we were sorry about it and we did move on. HOwever, I realized that I haven't been myself since then..at times...just had no motivation..no spark. I am always pretty sparky and energetic about life.
I traced it back to that day and saw that it just took the hope out of me. Hope that when I lose more weight he'll be in love with me...
I'm 5'7" and a size 12...I am not obese. It's just I used to be a size 8..you know. I am not disgusting or anything.
I was teetering. I realized that was what started the funk that I was in. I don't like it! I like to feel happy. I needed to figure out what I needed to change about my outlook and thinking to get Nicegal back in the attitude she needed to be in.
I didn't dare ask anything at the moment! Why? The possiblity of an argument...I was way too hurt and my emotions were too on edge to talk at that time. I had to wait and cool off so I could be rational. That much I have learned about myself.
In the past I would have talked RIGHT THEN. I would have PUSHED the subject. Men cannot handle it with too much emotion mixed in...have to cool off and be more logical.
OK! I'm going to bring it up today. I'm going to ask my H WHAT the deal is....or maybe I should just try to initiate sex?
Our R has been good since my last post on this thread...WITH the exception of my concern about a friend of ours from another state calling him on his cell phone.
We talked about it. LONG story. We have helped she and her husband in the past...but she has had an affair. And even prior to that I NEVER trusted her. THIS is not the issue here. But it can't help but stick in my mind.
Should I just try to initate S again...knowing I could get turned down? Or should I bring it up and talk?
Sometimes in the past when I initaited and thought it was pretty good S...then he'd tell me later that it didn't mean much to him and he wasn't attacted to me....unless I am on top of the world ..I don't think I can handle wondering what he is thinking about me.
I'm not horny today. But I caught him masturbating the shower yesterday...and so yes, I just wish he'd want me and come to me!
Maybe next time you catch him in the shower, just undress right there and hop in with him. Ask him if he wants some help with that thing.
"Sometimes in the past when I initaited and thought it was pretty good S...then he'd tell me later that it didn't mean much to him and he wasn't attacted to me....unless I am on top of the world ..I don't think I can handle wondering what he is thinking about me."
Let me get this straight. After lovemaking, that you thought was pretty good, he would say, "eh, it was nothing"??? Did he give a reason why it wasn't so good? Did you ask? Has he ever given suggestions as to what would make it better?
Chrome
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
No response whatsoever after 3 months of what I felt were some sparks happening in the R. I thought it would be safe to at least initiate kissing! I was devastated...understatement!
