Interesting concept. Withholding sex to get what I want... tap, tap, tap.
There have been several times in my life that I did not want to have sex... but it was never because I don't enjoy sex... it was because, for whatever reason, I was not feeling an intimate connection with my H... but I have never withheld nor given sex to 'get what I want.'
Ewh. Yuck.
I will say that my own lack of knowing Who I Am and What I Wanted, being able to verbalize that without an expectation of some sort of desired action on his part attatched to it, and being comfortable in my own skin, fueled many, many, many a useless fights and unresolved issues.
**I** thought that communicating clearly meant that my H would understand my point of view, and he would hold it in some sort of regard. Not necessarily agree with it, but respect what I said enough to at least **try** or **be** or **do** whatever it was I saying.
I see you doing this now, Cobra.
I do not think that most women withhold sex as a power play. Some do, yes. So do some men. But for the most part, I think humans have a real hard time getting intimate when they are pissed off. That's just angry fcking.
Most people do not have a problem communicating. I can pretty much repeat back to you, Cobra, your beliefs. And I think you could probably repeat back to me what my opinions, on this particular topic, are.
That's communicating. And if you and I were both accurate in repeating back our respective opinions, that's called effective communicating.
I think where you tend to dip off the deep end is when YOU feel your opinion has not been given the respect YOU think it deserves... and if that opinion in any way influences the result/outcome of an issue... or solving a problem... you are always going to have a fight on your hands, because you attach expectations, desired outcomes/behaviors from others... to your opinions.
You didn't have to get into it with Mrs. Nop. You could have said... "I don't agree, thanks for your opinions," and moved on. YOU CHOSE to engage with her, to prove your point, and you were getting really, really, really pissed off when you felt you were not being heard.
So fcking what?! YOU created the problem here, not Mrs. NOP. She got you pissed off because you gave her that power. So what that she didn't agree with you? At any time, you could have very calmly said, "Mrs. Nop, I appreciate your comments, but I just don't want to get into it with you. We are opposite ends of the spectrum and I feel that to continue this conversation would only lead to hard feelings."
SHE didn't do that because by the very nature of this board, we are here seeking the opinions of others. She finally got so fed up with you that she left. And I daresay she won't waste her time with you again. You are too busy seeking approval of your opinions... ego-stroking... to hear anyone. That's why, I think, Blackfoot asked if you were CeMar.
That is why I think this book is so appealing to you... because you wouldn't care if your wife agreed with you or not if you were getting fed, sexed, and ego-stroked. She could yammar away at you incessantly all day long, and I bet you'd tune her out... if you were getting what you wanted.
But all that is is getting what you want. That is not respect. That is manipulation. That is not intimacy. That is not trust. That is not honesty. And you ain't gettin' it, 'cuz you ain't givin' it.
You want your wife to be happy so she will give you what you want. That's why I think this book is so appealing to you. Because it's all about getting what you want.
