Women, Feminism and the Impact on Marriage

[MrsNOP]

It seems I’ve got you thinking about something, though I’m not sure what…

I don't know how to read this, but it comes across to me as offensive. I can't tell if you're trying to take credit for my thought processes or if you're telling me that I've been unclear in what I posted.

Of course this statement is true. I don’t think anyone here believes the I don’t have my issues. And while I have to work on those, which particular problems I have is not my concern. I will let my wife tell me what she doesn’t like and I will work on those. If I were to uncover something dysfunctional about myself that didn’t bother her, why waste my time working on it. There is not true definition of functional anyway. What is functional in one relationship can become quite dysfunctional in a relationship with another person. So I don’t worry about it.

I don't see how your issues aren't your concern, whether or not your wife has or is capable of pointing them out. I don't depend on my spouse to apprise me of the issues/areas I need to address and work on in myself.

What if one of your issues was in regards to parenting, are you going to wait until your children are adults to point out that this might have been something you wanted to work on before you screwed them up?

That attitude strikes me as a very passive, irresponsible approach to one's own life and personal growth.

I will also acknowledge that I dislike lumping the spouses, who aren't on here participating, as the dysfunctional ones. Since I was once one of those spouses.

I think this is what really bothers you… the idea of people talking behind your back, maybe?

Uh, no. If I, as a spouse am not posting here, how would I know that something was being said behind my back? How could I get bent about something of which I have no knowledge?

My premise is fairly basic. A dysfunctional relationship is primarily a result of 2 dysfunctional people. There are exceptions. I think it a form of scapegoating to ascribe the non-participating spouses as being the dysfunctional ones while promoting the participating spouses as being all hunky-dory psychologically.

It goes along with the premise that I impact my relationship and am a participating member in whatever dysfunctional dances we may be having.

If so, then as the one with the “smaller voice,” and in light of your sinking feeling, I now get a picture that you are feeling he controls the relationship and set the conditions in a forceful, coercive way to set you marriage back on track. At the time you saw the logic in his demands and became a willing participant. But now I read between the lines to hear you have some discomfort that it may have been some sort of grand manipulation of you. Is this what you are feeling?

No. The phrase was "sunk" as in past tense. Not "sinking" as in current tense.

I didn't suffer under force, coercion, or manipulation. I don't think any of those things are ever a part of a decent marriage. And trying to use evil actions to attempt to *gain* a decent marriage is an abomination to me. The ends do not justify the means.

Of course, otherwise we send mixed signals, and the other spouse is looking for every excuse possible not to change and move away from their comfort zone.

Do you think your wife is comfortable in your marriage?

Anyone who doesn’t think this is anything other than a simple power struggle is dead wrong, in my opinion. It differs from other struggles, though, because we have love and intimacy thrown into the mix.

I obviously didn't think that NOP was all that powerful - it was clear that he wasn't getting what he wanted out of our relationship. And didn't for years. So, in that way we were/are no different from the rest of the folks here. The difference, in my perception, is that at some point he decided that he couldn't continue in this way. And he told me that, not in anger, not in force, not in coercion, not in manipulation. Just a simple statement that he could not continue in this way. And it wasn't a one-shot of. It was ongoing, continuous, a "this is not going to go away" sort of thing. We weren't "warring", we were "withdrawing". We've never had a screaming, angry volatile marriage.

I think you need to be careful not to justify whatever actions you may be inclined to take in order to get the marriage you want for everyone's "good".

I see the major difference between us and some other marriages represented here as that we *both* acknowledged that we had problems and we *both* started working on them. Not always successfully and not always easily.

In the end, are you not happier where you are now than where you were before? Does it matter if he was the one to push you to where you are, and that you are only now coming to realize this? Should you not take some of the blame for not coming up with your own plan to force him to your ideal state? And just how different would your final version be from his? I think they would be identical. So what does it matter?

I don't know where you get some of this. I wasn't pushed, forced or manipulated. You seem to have deduced some sort of "method" used which might not have been admirable, but hey! it all worked out in the end. This is not at all what occurred.

There were no secret agendas, no hidden methods. There was a man who was unhappy in his marriage. He expressed that unhappiness. There was a woman who was unhappy in that same marriage. She expressed that unhappiness. As often is the case, someone had to go first. NOP brought up the depth of his unhappiness. I began to address the sexual aspect of our marriage and kept expressing my unhappiness. He began to address the relational aspect of our marriage.

In the end, are you not happier where you are now than where you were before? Does it matter if he was the one to push you to where you are, and that you are only now coming to realize this? Should you not take some of the blame for not coming up with your own plan to force him to your ideal state?

Cobra, I have grave reservations about your expressions regarding force. Except perhaps in cases of dangerous mental illness or criminal actions, I cannot imagine "forcing" another human being into anything in a relationship.

MrsNOP -