Quote:

why are you still reading books intended with a female audience? and why are you still trying to logical females?




Cobra I stand by this-- but would like to add something else.

Schlessinger also claims that most counselors these days are very feminist as well. The conventional wisdom is to make men acknowledge, feel and express their emotions in the same way women do, .... But I think not acknowledging the man’s needs, his way of feeling and thinking, his way of communicating, is an immature and selfish position for the wife. It is also abusive to the husband.

completely agreed.

This book is important for me because it made me realize that I have nothing to apologize for as far as being a man
Im over here-- standing and applauding again. however it is, that you came to the realizations that abuse(ignoring the needs) of husbands is not exceptable, and the many facets that abuse can entail, that your needs are valid and your manly desires and attributions are PERFECTLY normal -- Well GoshDarn. Im happy for you. high five and manly smack on the ass.

Many of the thoughts I have tried to convey here about strength, saying NO, not overly worrying about her emotional reactions, taking care of your own(mens) needs first-- is actively stopping this ABUSE. Letting someone abuse you is being a victim. Victims are created through their own INNER voice, lack of self worth/esteem and expressed via body language.
Consider the advice given to women on how to appear from their walk, look, behaivior, eye contact in order to avoid muggings. This is an extreme example but it still applies. Victims also externalize.

Part of fixing ourself <which is all we can really do> is to not allow disrespect. Not allowing disrespect however is not the same as trying to fix/change another. That can border on returned disrespect. Women need to feel respected in a LTR for the emotional connection neccessary that keeps up her attraction.

Little girls have more a propensity to express themselves than boys, and parents encourage this. Efforts are made to address the hurts that girls feel. When this gets out of hand, you have the “princess” syndrome where girls feel they are entitled have their hurts soothed. As adults, if the man does not do so, the woman starts her manipulative games. Chome’s wife is doing this very thing – withdrawing, shutting down, making HIM feel guilty. My wife does the same thing too

True. It does begin early. However your W (and Chromos) wife DO NOT make you feel guilty. That is your feeling. OWN it just as you want her to own her feelings. When you feel guilty, you have a choice. examin the feeling. is it reasonable, logical? IF yes. acknowledge it and then DROP it and move on. Do not revisit it or let her continue to hold it over your head, once it had been acknowledged and corrected.

IF no, then dont feel it. that is your choice and you are allowing her to manipulate you. Ignore it and let her deal with her emotions or if it is extreme, Tell her to knock it off.
That is a TEST of strength. Women know(subconciously) when they are being unreasonable. If they didnt you wouldnt see the supplicating reaction as demonstrated by Chromos W when he steadfastly, not chasing or supplicating her, via there last interaction. Playing into it, the entitlement of hurts being soothed, only causes your own disrespect. These are emotional reactions that if you cant control,(the guilt) then neither can you expect her too (the disrespect-->loss of attraction chain).

This does not mean many of their feelings are invalid, but many of them ARE self centered.
All feelings are self centered. emotions are for our preservation. they are also addictive. You as the logical, not as emotionally controlled male, head of the house, are in charge of keeping this balance. Lucky you.

So I believe many dysfunctional people in relationships will not change until they have to. Well seeing as Im not currently in a R all people in R's are dyfunctional. Seriously as Mrs. NOPs is pointing out to takes two dysfunctions. Obviously something caused you to want to change. Most likly the overwhelming drive of our testosterone based needs. There is something called the pleasure pain principal. Humans do not change untill the pain of the status quo overcomes the pleasure of the it. Pleasure and Pain are our two biological motivators. Which means you were part of the dysfunction.
Gonna get harshly blunt her for a second. Its cause I like you though.

Much of the way you word your posts is external---her, she needs to, she doesnt understand. etc. I know the guilt and family values, not having contention, is largely coming from your FOO with the father figure and and Japanese heritage. Much of it is subservience, quiteness, very tacit and subtle maniulation.
Hard stuff to overcome and change --Yes?
Well you W issues come from her FOO to of being used to very overbearing men, much drama (lots of emotional outbursts, high need for the chemical kicks, but its not as serious or permanent like in your FOO) turmoil, probably large family and lots of OP in each other business.
Very hard stuff for her to overcome and change also.

Sounds like the drama... from a few days ago has garnered some respect? awareness of your needs to her. Its what she recognizes as strong man. you took a step towards her need in communication style and she returned it.
See what I am saying?


So why shouldn’t men stand up for equal treatment?
I think they should. Not just equal treatment though. You should be treated like a man. Act like one. Treat her like a woman, invariable they act like one.
Its great, I love it. Truthfully, so do they.

that women have been very successful in training us men to watch our words out of concern for their feelings.

I shudder at the thought of giving women that kind of control over me, personally. How about--Many men have very unsuccesfully allowed themselves to be placed in the unattractive (for men) role of supplicating and placating. Wanting and needing WOA is perfectly normal and does have a profound affect on us, when it comes from our W. Deprecating self in order to subtly beg for them is shooting yourself in the foot. Much more effective to self congratulate --with humor, and have her agree. If women find self assured, even cocky men attractive why not do what works? take control over your self worth and value away from her. She doenst want it. Never did, never will. Give it back to yourself where it was before you were married and she found you attractive.