Quote: Interesting to me is that the site asserts that fixing is a form of controlling. Don't know that I agree.
I without a doubt see many forms of 'fixing' as a form of controlling behavior. Not all, but many, yes.
For example. Many times Spouse A will say there is problem x, y, z. Spouse B agrees. Spouse B begins to make changes in order to address the problems Spouse A says exists. Spouse B looks for approval in changes made, credit for effort, etc. Spouse A says, nope, it's not enough, or you didn't do it right, or you changed, but not in a way that is meaningful to me... so Spouse B begins to 'fix' again.
In these types of scenarios, this is not problem solving mode, this is hoop jumping mode. Spouse B is always 'fixing' in order to placate Spouse A. It becomes an addictive form of behavior, for Spouse B is always leaving it up to Spouse A to determine the quality of effort made.
Fixers get to be victims, for they are always measuring their worth and their efforts based upon Spouse A's assessment.
Fixers, in my mind, have great intent, but their good intentions get lost in their need/want to be accepted and praised by their spouse. This is without a doubt, very controlling and manipulative. I'll be the first one to admit that I have been guilty of this myself... and it is a dam hard thing to change.
Fixers need to learn to be negotiators, to first learn what they themselves want out of an R, what a successful R looks like, and determine FOR THEMSELVES the quality of their own efforts.
