I had to come out of my hidey-hole to comment: Cobra, your post on men feeling responsible for their wives' happiness really hit a chord. I sometimes feel like I have walked into a room filled with those spinning plates (a la Ed Sullivan show). W is pointing at them as they need attention, and, with every one that crashes, I feel like I have failed, yet again.
And my self-worth plummets. And that doesn't make for a very attractive husband, I'm sure. But I don't have time to worry about that because another plate is ready to hit the ground, and I, the FIXER, need to spin it.
On Valentine's Day I baked a chocolate cake from scratch for my wife. That night, she complained that I obviously didn't make the cake for her because, if I cared enough to listen to her, to know her, then I would know that she wasn't fond of dark chocolate.
That is one unappreciative person IMPO. If my H went to the effort of baking a cake for me....I wouldn't care if it were a triple layer broccoli cake with liver icing. I'd be so impressed he did that for me.....now, I will admit I might not eat that particular cake....but I'd sure be loving him for making it for me. The doggies would love it though LOL.
Hairy, I'm sorry your wife dissed the cake. What a lovely gesture.
However, you're making me feel bad for my plate spinnage towards H.
Are men really that dense? Do they not pay attention to their wives? With your wife's personality, I can see that VD would be a friggin landmine in your home. To not acknowledge it is suicide, but to acknowledge it in any kind of sexy or romantic way is to buy into the paternalistic notion that women are tools for your own pleasure. The cake seemed pretty innocuous.
I can't for the life of me figure out what would possess my husband to pick out some 9.99 Mom necklace and think that I'd like that. Honestly I'd have rather him just gotten me a card. Or nothing. And then to spend 60 dollars on six roses the day after VD is just asinine. What a waste of money on a too late gesture.
Ah well, you've got me thinkin old friend. I will try to honestly assess whether I'm encouraging him to spin those plates.
I FINALLY did totally get it...from many discussions, arguments, emails, and then yes, Dr. Laura's book.
Women basically complain about everything! It is their stinkin' nature! Husbands feel like they have to jump through hoops to keep mama happy. Listen, I am about the most feelin' woman in the world!!!! I am Deanna Troy on Star Trek Next Generation...ha ha..the empath!!!! Anyone remember?
Anyway, I don't even think...this is just my rule of a number of months now...that a W should change what she is doing to get a change from her H. Change and do it...because it is the right thing to do.
Several months ago...I started consciously determining to find the good in everything. Talk about what is right about everything. I found that the good becomes more noticable.
I stopped thinking (it has been a progressive thing because I've had so much to unlearn) what I haven't liked about my H. I am not going to change him into Mr. Romance. I tried for 20+ years. I've decided to accept and appreciate! And most of the time I stay content and choose to be happy. (there are some days..though)
I'm just consciously not trying to make him deal with my emotions and make me feel how I want to feel or give him something to fix. Men have to do that all day long...then come home to it too?
My H has been happier....it took a number of weeks for him to start to respond to it. I basically sucked it up...quit crying so much and tried to think before I talked...am I complaining?
Changing yourself does bring a change to the R...not necessarily what I'd want...more romance etc....but I'm not going to complain about that either. It is better and that's what counts....I've got it great...I don't live in Iraq if nothing else...!!!!
I don't know about the HDW or how that would differ...but in some regards, from experience, changing ONLY for the purpose of your spouse treating you differently will backfire. I think you have to change because you want to be who you know you should be.
I can't throw stones at your wife for being so selfish and immature about you making her a cake for Valentine's Day...because I've done similar. You can only pray she'll see the light. I"m so sorry. It was kind of you.
I think that Happy Giant should consider your assessment of his situation. Ours was similar. Happy is "doing the right thing" toward his wife but she isn't listening to him. I agree with Dr. Laura and others...if a woman does that...and has SEX, SEX, SEX...cooks and doesn't nag...she'll basically have a happy man and IF he has character and is LOVING...he'll give back to her all he knows..so much qualifing to do here..cause some men may not know what to do...wow...I"m speaking from LDW..HDH experience ONLY.
Happy...I'm just trying to say that you may not get the attention of your wife to HEAR you by treating her like the princess that you are. I don't mean you should treat you badly...and PLEASE don't do what WE DID...HELL!!!
But, you do have to do something to get her attention. AND...perhaps you should consider what Cobra said about your fear of not pleasing her. YOu are a pleaser it sounds like (which is a very good thing!) but the negative side of the pleaser is that they get walked on....I know from experience.
I think there are constructive ways to change what you are doing to get her to HEAR the SERIOUSNESS of it! If she loves you and REALLY HEARS that it is serious....she'll do something. It is that getting of her attention!
Cobra... why are you still reading books intended with a female audience? and why are you still trying to logical females? and what steps are You taking to modify Your behavior?
As for feminism... the more feminist the woman the more masculine often neanderthal her lover/boyfriend. enough said.
Quote: since they are trying to do what is best for the relationship. They have been trained that expressing their feeling in an open, honest way, and not holding things in is the way to emotional liberation. And for women it is. But it can be imprisonment for men.
So, there is my theory. What does everyone think about that?
Not only is it imprisonment, it is highly unattractive to women. So stop doing it. Do what she needs, not wants. And take care of you. Which might mean making her upset, unhappy for a moment, <gasp> even angry. TESTS I say. You wont get treated as the king of your castle while you are on (figurative) bended knees, kissing feet, scrubbing floors. NOT gonna happen.
You also wont get attraction if you FORCE her to be something that she is not. She does have to receive feelings and emotion to feel complete and secure. Trying to force this, or talk her into becoming a man is just going to swing it to you being abusive to her needs.
Also. there are princesses cruising about this BB. HP is NOT one of them. She is more then a handfull and requires a H with the imperturbability of granite, also called strength, but she got one. He keeps her busy (shot putting romantic gifts of flowers, and then running to fetch them .. UM EXCUSE ME-- PRINCESS. Who cares what day they came on??? ) from what I can see.....
We are wrong when we want our H to make us or keep us happy...and women do it all the time. Strength is to be happy in yourself! Then whatever you H does is a gift!!! And not your entitlement. I could make a list of all the romantic things I wish my H would do for me...I could be a movie writer! But his character is far more lasting than the romance...and so he isn't...too bad..but rather than dwell on that and make my continual requests!!!...focus on the good, accept what cannot be changed and be thankful when something good happens. It makes for a happier atmostphere. absolutely. thank you Walt disney for sleeping beauty/cinderella/et al and fostering womens romantic entitlement notions to fairytale heights. Thank you hall mark for requiring how when and where, and most importantly, if it is better then the neighbors, I choose to show my appreciation and romantic side. NG Do you have any single friends who have reached this epiphany? LOL.
however many many men create the entitlement monsters they live with. By allowing the abusive behavior of the women to wheedle/threaten/cajole him into ignoring his own needs. Whose fault is that? BOTH. Its always both. But men are the head. So more his. Stop allowing her to do it. Stop yourself, control yourself and your environment. That is Sexy- to women.
HP The source of my disappointment is his own promises that he makes and then does not keep.
show him Matt 5:37. and then tell him it hurts you very very deeply when he gives you a promise and doesnt follow thru with it. or not. And then to spend 60 dollars on six roses the day after VD is just asinine. What a waste of money on a too late gesture. if there was no VD how would you have felt about them? its only a too late geture if you have a deadline in mind. One made by the hallmark people perhaps? However I do acknowledge your need is valid for being rejuvanated. very much so. I will try to honestly assess whether I'm encouraging him to spin those plates. of course you do. you cant help it. you have toned it down and consistantly work on it. so please dont stop, I wont get any laughs from you then...
Choco, its good to see you posting more you seem to be getting closer and closer to your own A-HA, and HD (come back), I hope you took her cake away and ate it yourself (with a big glass of milk )
Ive missed keeping up with eveyone. off to post somemore...
Oh yeah. Hi Lfl.
I dont think Dr.Schlessingers book would be a waste of time for you to read. It would be good for you to check out. <Though I more then occasionally agree with her, and Rush, I really cant stand either of their hypocritical, always right personaes....> <cough> felonious drug addict <cough> multiple divorcee/porno chick<cough>
sledding accidents as a child. ahh memories. "scars are souvenirs you never lose" hope D6 is well.
I dont think Dr.Schlessingers book would be a waste of time for you to read. It would be good for you to check out. <Though I more then occasionally agree with her, and Rush, I really cant stand either of their hypocritical, always right personaes....> <cough> felonious drug addict <cough> multiple divorcee/porno chick<cough>
sledding accidents as a child. ahh memories. "scars are souvenirs you never lose" hope D6 is well.
Hi BF Thanks for asking about D. Have to go this afternoon to have the stitches removed. I fear that will be worse than getting them because they are still all crusted over with blood. Gross. Poor thing. As for Dr. Laura's book, I think I'm still going to pass. Not a big fan. In fact, I'm sort of off most R books at this point. Found myself reading instead of doing so it was not really helpful. Hope you are doing well.
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I fear that will be worse than getting them because they are still all crusted over with blood. Gross. Poor thing.