I think you are right when you say your wife has no incentive to change. She is in the optimal position for her right now. You do everything you should, avoid making her mad, put up with no sex, allow her to control the household – wants not to like? Why would she in her right mind want to change that? And whose fault is this? It is yours.
You sound very codependent to me, and obviously have some type of abandonment fears that make you hang on to this abusive (yes, abusive!) relationship. Overcoming this is your karmic lesson. I had (and still have) to overcome this same lesson.
Maybe your counselor can give you more insights since it sounds like he is on the right path (and probably isn’t telling you all he is thinking), but I think your wife is full of bluff. Does she act intimidating and abusive to other people, to her family or co-workers? If not, then she is able to control her emotions, and lets out at you on purpose. This is verbal abuse, plain and simple. It is meant for control and to keep you dancing on eggshells.
I may be out of line for stating all this, but that is the impression I get. Schlessinger’s book is of no consequence to your situation. I think you need to read up on self esteem and establishing boundaries.
Lou,
I have long felt for your situation and your frustration, but I have also been somewhat frustrated by your actions, so I am just going to tell you what I see. I may be way off base, but here it is.
I have always felt that you have the ability to get what you want in your relationship, at least as far as BB is able to deliver, but each time you take a step in that direction, you step back. When you do take a stand, BB changes. Then you back off your position and she goes back to old behaviors. Like Happy’s wife, why would BB want to change this? She is in her comfort zone. She gets what she wants and doesn’t have to do what she doesn’t want to do.
I think BB knows you are a moral person and that you strive to do “the right thing.” I feel that she takes advantage of this because it is the easy path for her. But you let her do this to you repeatedly. She seems to have a very good read on you. She steps up to the plate and gives you just enough to keep you around, but no more than she has to. I think she is very cunning and premeditated in what she does. I do not think you give her enough credit here.
If this is so, then she is much more responsible for how she treats you than you seem willing to admit. I say this because you are so quick to defend and justify her actions, yet you complain about how much she withholds. Let me ask you point blank: Do you truly feel that you DESERVE to have her wait on you, to serve you, to sacrifice for you and your pleasure only? If you do not think you deserve this, then why should she do so?
This is about self esteem. From what you have said on this board, I can easily see how it comes from your past. I get the impression that you are resentful of spendthrifts. But are you really resentful of those who spend money to enjoy life, or are you subconsciously resentful of the fact that you could not enjoy these luxuries in your childhood?
Does this resentment translate into a feeling of “moral superiority” (I don’t mean to be harsh about this term, its all I can think of) through frugality as a way of denying this hurt and anger? And if so, does this double back to affect your self esteem, thinking that you do not deserve to have pleasures in life or to have someone “serving” you? And if it is true that your self esteem is therefore too low, then are you not the one who is truly keeping BB distant?
