Cobra, again, I'm going to disagree. I went back and re-read my post to you and while the tone was pretty inyerface, it was still respectful. Your post wasn't.
That's what I objected to.
Quote: Why would he be any more capable of letting go of his fears of your willingness to fight?
Oooh good one! I'm sure, now you you mention it, that he still fears this. Although I will say that I have conquered my urge to battle with much more success than he has conquered his urge to nitpick about the house. Is it because I'm such a fabulous person? Hardly. It's because we have 3 little kids and, therefore, more reasons for him to become upset.
Quote: If he called you this, he probably had a GOOD reason for saying so, EVEN IF HE JUST WANTED TO BE MEAN.
I agree. Although he's the type to say something out of meanness and then backpedal like a madman, trying to convince me that there's no truth to it, even when I know differently! Getting him to talk to me about his grievances with me is freakin impossible. And it's NOT due to my anger, Cobra, he is just like that as a person. My anger did not make it easier for him, but he'd have done that whether or not it was present. It's who he is.
Quote: And, if you were to respond as you say you do, then you are dismissing his reality,
Well, you took my words out of context. I spefically said that if he called me a princess I'd laugh out of surprise, but if he called me virtually anthing else, I'd be pissed off to have been called a name no doubt, but I'd want to know more about why he said that. And I'd be calm.
Quote: He is blind to them, just as you are blind to what he sees so clearly in you.
Actually, he's not. He may not be as well versed as you, but he's quite aware of the damage that was done in his FOO. In fact, if you look back through my threads from last year, he did a lot of soul searching and would spontaneously bring up FOO issues and how he plays some of that out in our own marriage. But he seems to be currently stuck at a "I can't do that" point. FOO related or just being stubborn? I don't know.
Quote: Once you accept there are things that need to change, how do you make the change?
YES, that's what I wanna know!
Quote: Just EXACTLY what does he truly mean when he makes a promise and just EXACTLY what do you expect?
I've learned the hard way, through this R journey, that being specific is crucial. When he makes a promise, I am sure to gently get to the heart of the matter--what does he mean, how often will it happen, etc. You know, Cobra, my H just feels overwhelmed by his life. He works, he has 3 kids, he has a wife who wants romance/sex. Then there's his relationship with God. It's all too much!, he thinks. I am sympathetic to him and, at the same time, I'm my own person who needs what I need.
Quote: It could also be that he made a promise he never meant to keep, but felt compelled to do so anyway, in order to keep the peace.
He did this in the beginning, I think. Nowadays he's more upfront with what he feels he can deliver. He has no problem with telling me, I can't do that, but I'm not sure that he puts any thought into what he CAN give.
Thank you for your thoughts, it's really helping me decompress.
