Having a strong personality is not a crime. Nor is it an unfortunate result of feminism. Strong women have been around since the beginning of time.
I have the ability to use my strong personality to do harm or to inject vitality into the lives of those around me. I won't be so grandiose to say that I *exclusively* use it for good, but it is rare these days that I use it in a negative way.
I never said there was anything wrong with having a strong personality. But it is something the man must deal with, whether good or bad. Your opinion of how you use your personality is just that – your opinion. Men may not have the same opinion. Period.
See, I didn't think I was coming across hatefully. I was going for a "set the record straight" type tone and a "drawing a boundary at name calling" tone, but I was not going on the attack.
See, we differ in what you think you said and what I think I heard. Same as how you received my comments. Neither is right or wrong, but my opinion counts as much as yours. And your husband will think so too. If he is unwilling to change how he hears you, then try changing YOUR delivery. If not, then there will be problems.
…. I no longer have any interest in fighting, just for the fight's sake.
Does he feel this way about you too? You mentioned some things he did in the past that you seem to still hold against him. Why would he be any more capable of letting go of his fears of your willingness to fight?
Now......if he called me a spoiled princess, which is so unrepresentative of my life, I would probably first bust out laughing (out of sheer surprise, not that sarcastic cutting laugh) and then incredulously ask him what he's basing that on.
If he called you this, he probably had a GOOD reason for saying so, EVEN IF HE JUST WANTED TO BE MEAN. Of all the things he could say out of anger, why would he pick this particular statement (I know this is hypothetical)? Only because in his eyes it has an element of truth to it. Pay attention to these one off remarks. The are not inconsequential. They are more valuable than when he is trying to be straight with you. They are the male’s version of code talk.
And, if you were to respond as you say you do, then you are dismissing his reality, denying that he has any validity to his feelings or perceptions, and perpetuating the myth that only women truly understand feelings and emotions. This is a real sore spot with me because my wife used to do it ALL THE TIME. It really pissed me off. I later came to realize it is nothing more than a control tactic on her part. You might think about this.
You have to understand that the level of perfection he wants in his home is unattainable. His father was the same way and he spent most of his childhood keeping everything perfect as a way to please his dad. "It was the only way to make him happy and keep him from criticizing me", he said.
This confirms my suspicion that he comes from a very controlling family, just as I do (at least my mother) and so he reacts to you in a similar way that I react to my wife. It sounds like his issues are with his dad, so maybe he does not see the connection with you. But a strong controlling personality is all it takes to trigger his hot buttons, whether it comes from a man or a woman. I think this is a major, if not THE major, source of his problems.
I can identify areas in his FOO where this originated from, but how does this knowledge help him change? Even if he could precisely pinpoint where it came from, in what way does it help him eliminate it?
I think you know the answer to this as well as I do. That you can see his issues so clearly means nothing. He is blind to them, just as you are blind to what he sees so clearly in you. This is what counseling is all about. If he does not know why he is reacting as he does, how can he come to accept this as a fault within him? And until he accepts this, why should he work on change, for what is there to change? This is what stepping out of the denial of your FOO is all about.
The behavioral exercises that Chrome is doing are for after this recognition is made. Once you accept there are things that need to change, how do you make the change?
Not entirely. The source of my disappointment is his own promises that he makes and then does not keep.
Just EXACTLY what does he truly mean when he makes a promise and just EXACTLY what do you expect? This may need to be taken down to the basic level of defining the meaning of particular words.
It could also be that he made a promise he never meant to keep, but felt compelled to do so anyway, in order to keep the peace. This is a passive aggressive tactic that you would expect to find in someone who spent his life trying to please a domineering, controlling father. It is a promise made out of fear. I know you don’t want him to fear you, and he probably is in HEAVY denial that he does. He probably is in denial of his fear of his father and his suppressed anger too.
