Women, Feminism and the Impact on Marriage

[honeypot]

While you feel it is entirely reasonable to state what you want in a relationship (and I agree that you SHOULD do this) it does not mean that the man is comfortable with your asking, or that he is comfortable in asking for his needs (even if he should be).

Then what should I do? You state that I should state my needs but be prepared for his discomfort with my asking. Ok, I'm not sure how that applies to men only, so I will ask you to clarify.

I do not usually sense this same obligation in women.

I agree with you here. However, it is absurd to say it is because women diminish men's feelings. Perhaps women DO diminish men's feelings, but men feeling "responsible" for how their ladies feel is in no way tied to what the woman does--that's the man feeling and HE owns it. Personally I think it is hard wired into men to be the provider, including their need to provide emotionally. I try very hard as a wife to not make my husband responsible for my happiness (or unhappiness) but I'm human and do find myself falling into this trap occasionally.

HP, you say you should be able to state what you want. Didn’t he also state what he wanted?

Fck No! Are you kidding me? ANY needs of his that I now meet have come from the toil of me figuring out the hard way what he wanted me to do. My husband berated and criticized me into keeping a spotless house. He spent most of last year apologizing for his behavior early on in our marriage. He was a frickin tyrant and he still shows shades of this when under stress--ask my kids if you think I'm exaggerating. His other needs, again, were discovered by trial and error. Me asking, straight up, did not net any useful information. He is a people pleaser and will stifle his own needs in order to appear pleasant.

Why do you take my “communications” as an attack?

You have GOT to be kidding here. Either you are passive aggressive (highly likely) or you are not intelligent (highly unlikely) but you cannot be serious. You call me a "spoiled princess" and other derogatory remarks and then wonder why I am not getting the gist of your "communication"? Get real!
I have been 2x4'd by the best of them here on the bb but no one has sunk to the level of name calling that you do. Your point is entirely lost due to your hateful delivery. That's my honest feedback.

But don’t expect men to be that way, or that they should be that way.

I don't expect my man to display that kind of emotion. He hasn't so far in our marriage and I'd be surprised if he started. I'm okay with his level of emotion, but if he wants to have a loving wife he will have to start putting some effort into the romantic/sexy/couple part of our R.

Did you read my earlier comments on “laziness” and people not wanting to move out of their comfort zone? Is this not another example of that – women being in the superior position of deciding what is right and what is wrong concerning how men should feel and express themselves? I would think most women would take my comments as a threat, but that doesn’t mean holding to their position is right. Men’s views are right too.

I'm assuming, correct me if I'm wrong, that you are referring to me deciding that my husband's valentine's efforts are "not enough". Me as the superior woman, being judge and jury over him. I'm sure this hits some hot buttons in you, and it hits some in his, too. He came home Cobra-guns blazing last night at me. I don't give a sh*t. The fact is.........he knows me very well. I would have rather had nothing (with of course some advance notice that we were not doing anything for VD) than have him give me a "Mom" necklace and flowers a day late. So him holding to his position is right, eh? Hmmmmmmmmmm, not buyin it. He screwed up and I'm sure it bothers him to have me, his wife, point that out but tough luck.
It is truly not that big of a deal and I would have laughed it off.....IF.....he was romantic or sexy or loving to me on other days. He is not. This is the one day of the year in which I am allowed to be hopeful of romance.

And if that point of view has some validity (which I know varies from situation to situation) then does the fact that it is painful to women mean that I should not state it?

Of course you can state it. And I'm glad that you do! I like hearing men's viewpoints. I would respectfully ask that you refrain from name calling and otherwise bashing my character. If you can't do that, then maybe you should stop replying to me.