I understand what you are wanting from your husband. In fact, I want the same thing from my wife. But there is a gender difference here. While you feel it is entirely reasonable to state what you want in a relationship (and I agree that you SHOULD do this) it does not mean that the man is comfortable with your asking, or that he is comfortable in asking for his needs (even if he should be). Whether that is right or wrong, that is how many men feel, myself included. And I think there are many “manly” men who feel the same way. But they also have a sense of “duty” drilled into them that they need to fix the wife’s feelings, so they are more than willing to listen to the wife’s complaints.
I do not usually sense this same obligation in women. Rather I feel women tend to diminish men’s feelings because they don’t think men don’t really know what they are feeling anyway, right? So not only do women ignore men’s feelings, but they convince themselves that men don’t feel and if they do feel, they are feeling the wrong thing and need to be taught otherwise. That “otherwise” becomes the woman’s perspective of emotional content. Men have their own perspective. That is all I am saying. And it doesn’t mean he loves you any less.
HP, you say you should be able to state what you want. Didn’t he also state what he wanted? But you didn’t like what you heard. Its just different from what you want, that’s all.
I know you ladies are just “communicating.” I am just “communicating” too. Why do you take my “communications” as an attack? I do not think I am putting a “spin” on things at all, unless a male point of view is a “spin” on the female point of view. GEL and HP, what I am hearing both you say is just what I am trying to “communicate” about, that is:
THAT HURTS! As a woman (not saying it's right) that translates to "you aren't worth the effort".
Women have no problem expressing this type of emotion. In fact, they are more than willing to do so. But don’t expect men to be that way, or that they should be that way. I think this is in large part what Schlessinger is saying. I also have no doubt her philosophy is hard for many women to swallow since it goes against the feminist model of women stating their needs and men having to fix those needs.
Did you read my earlier comments on “laziness” and people not wanting to move out of their comfort zone? Is this not another example of that – women being in the superior position of deciding what is right and what is wrong concerning how men should feel and express themselves? I would think most women would take my comments as a threat, but that doesn’t mean holding to their position is right. Men’s views are right too.
I am not trying to justify any actions of LD men on this board. I think an LD man has some major problems, be it physiological or psychological. I am trying to communicate the man’s point of view. And if that point of view has some validity (which I know varies from situation to situation) then does the fact that it is painful to women mean that I should not state it? I, like others, am looking to understand my spouse. I want her to understand me. If she does not try to see my perspective, we will not get along, plain and simple (but the fact that I have to see her perspective is a given).
Corri, I agree the book is a simplification of the many problems plaguing a marriage, but addressing the needs of men WILL go a long way to overcoming a large portion of those problems. And I am understanding that Schlessinger’s model depends on a functional, non-abusive, normal sex-drive man.
