I agree that everyone should focus on their needs first, it is necessary before one can address another’s needs. I can understand the situation of LD women who are trying address their marriage problems, but I cannot understand those who do not, like OG_Lou’s W. I think Schlessinger has a very good point that applies to women as well as men - self centeredness will destroy a marriage. But I think counselors tend to focus on raising the verbal communication level of men more than working on women understanding the “action based” communication of men.
And I think it is socially induced. Fathers are as guilty of this as mothers. Little girls have more a propensity to express themselves than boys, and parents encourage this. Efforts are made to address the hurts that girls feel. When this gets out of hand, you have the “princess” syndrome where girls feel they are entitled have their hurts soothed. As adults, if the man does not do so, the woman starts her manipulative games. Chome’s wife is doing this very thing – withdrawing, shutting down, making HIM feel guilty. My wife does the same thing too, as has every girl that I ever dated. My middle daughter does this a lot too. This does not mean many of their feelings are invalid, but many of them ARE self centered.
And I wonder why this is? I think there is a natural tendency in people to be “lazy,” or at least take the easier way out. It is our morals and values, desires to have a certain lifestyle, our desire for better things for our kids that make us adopt our own self discipline to overcome this natural tendency, as well as struggle to become selfless. (I can’t help but have a certain envy for those who can throw everything away and go live a survival existence in some tropical paradise. In then end, could they be happier than I?)
So I believe many dysfunctional people in relationships will not change until they have to. And this is the caveat to Schlessinger’s book. While people should do the right thing, what will make them do so if they don’t have the self discipline to do so themselves? You cannot force someone to do something, but you don’t have to tolerate their inaction either.
This is the clear message I got from NOPkins – push things off center to destabilize the current situation that is comfortable to the dysfunctional spouse. The risk is that they may not like it and will leave. The flip-side of that risk is by not doing anything, you will become resentful and eventually leave. In either case, the marriage is doomed.
But once you can accept this truth and prepare for the worst (detaching), fear of this outcome then shifts to the spouse and they must do something to find a new state of equilibrium. Boundaries are meant to prevent the move back to the previous dysfunctional equilibrium. I do not think that just doing everything right is enough to push a dysfunctional equilibrium off balance. Sometimes I think drastic measures are needed to make this push. That usually comes in the form of the “bomb” or serving of divorce papers. GEL dropped her form of the bomb the other day. I ended up doing so too.
And while one spouse wants to change this equilibrium, the other does not want to because the current state works in his/her favor. They enjoy the balance of power and want to keep it. I think men generally are reluctant to change because they may have things the way they want (let the wife worry about the kids, take care of the shopping, house cleaning, etc.), except for enough sex. But for those husbands who have taken on their share of these duties, have their wives reciprocated? How many wives do the yard work, car maintenance, home repairs, etc?
So why shouldn’t men stand up for equal treatment? Corri, yes, men would love to be treated the way Schlessinger proposes, but so do women, and I actually believe more women are treated this way than men. Lou, I personally think you really see your situation as a glass half empty, while trying to justify to yourself that you see it half full.
