In the book, there is a chapter of common things that happen when parents or other more powerful relatives that caused childhood pains might react to the said/proposed confrontation.
There is a list of common excuses care givers give for their behaviors to children. The book list excuses that one should not take and lists things that may have been beyond the caregivers ability to carry out. The book is an easy read, states some basic things and should be good for most bad childhood situations that are not truly evil or horrific.
but my H is telling me it's pointless The book will give your H some expectations that are typical and not anything like he or most people think should happen. It also goes into pointless things to expect from neglectful care givers.
At one time if I had confronted my step-dad about his verbal abuse, I would have blown up at him like he did to me. I did not confront him because I don't like being in a position of anger to that degree.
Now that I am older and have many good things in life, read the book, I think I could bring his poor parenting skills out in the open and act civilly and not let his past actions or his present excuses bother me much anymore.
The theme of the book and confrontations is not to solve or get over past hurts/damages but to move on and develop resilience. To live in the now, look at what works, avoid trying to fix the past.
Anyone want to do WWII over and get it right for the 30 million dead, I think not. Just a radical example of how doing things over (wanting to fix the past) is too big a job and not worth the effort while neglecting the good things in the here and now. anyway someone said you can't change what has happened.
Lou... Thank you for the book suggestion. I will mention it to H, but he is just not a relationship book person...he tries to " wing" life til it all comes crashing down on him, lol. Now me, on the other hand...I like to read, analyze, obsess, organize, etc in order to gain some control over my life. One thing that I will not do though is get the book ( or one like it) and do the work for him. I can help be a guide and give suggestions but he is going to have to roll up his sleeves and dig in, so to speak. The therapist is a good connection for him..he tends to rely on other people for information( he will talk to people at work and rely on what " they" say as gospel), so at least now he has someone in his corner who can provide professional support and guidance. This is a big relief for me as well.
Overall things remain good here. He seems less resentful and more giving towards me, and our sex life, while not exactly spontaneous, has been consistent. We are putting together a " fun bag" of lotions, candles, toys, etc for our trip next week. There is still work involved...not natural attraction I suppose...but he seems on board. We have to tread carefully over the past hurts and rebuild the trust.
