I'm so glad you found your way back. My DSL connection has been down most of the day, but I'm slowly catching up.
Quote: This is something I can honestly say I have done alot of. My H asked me not long ago how I am able to forgive the things that he has done and my answer was that I put myself in his shoes and understood the "why's". After alot of reading, I've realised that we have been reacting to each others actions (or inactions). Unfortunatly, we haven't always interpeted those actions from the other person's point of view and often had it wrong.
Oh, no, I know that! But it was more a rhetorical question for everyone... I meant to follow it up by commenting that it seems your H is lacking the empathy gene? Perhaps he didn't have great role models in this area... though it's never too late to learn.
Quote: They are happy and settled and the last thing I want to do is put them through any heartache - although I can occasionally see them watching and wondering whether my H and I will stay together.
Yes, I understand this one well too. Kids are ultra perceptive, but with a different spin than parents. We worry about their welfare. They worry about themselves, and that's the way it should be. Seems like you've really stated and made your choice here, G:
Quote: I choose to stay for a couple of reasons.
Even if you arrived at this statement by process of elimination, you've still made a choice. Now, what are you going to do to affirm that choice and remain positive and resolved about it?
Being me hit the proverbial nail on the head, G. You said:
Quote: can't make the steps unless I know what direction to go in. I can't know which direction I want to go in until I know what I want.
Are you so sure about that last statement? How can you know what you want until you actually try something... anything? Remember the story of the cheshire cat in Alice and Wonderland? Pick something and give it a whirl. If you don't enjoy it, try something else. But the important thing is to pick something and work hard at it.
Lastly, here's something else to chew on:
Quote: So, I can't prove to my H that I can change unless I change.
No... more importantly, you undoubtedly want to prove to yourself that you can change. That's the ONE distinction that will get you lasting results, my friend. The changes we make for ourselves are the ones that really matter.
(And ironically, those are the ones that they can see most clearly.)
So, the big question is really what you want to change for yourself?
Hugs!
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Betsey 