It is so nice to hear from you! To those of you reading this, I need to point out that I would not be where I am without the kind (and sometimes not so gentle!) advise of Underdog and others.
To answer your question about pole dancing, it has gone by the wayside. It started out as a group of like-aged women in a really comfortable setting. As time went on I started enjoying it less and less as the women joining became not only slimmer but much younger! Somehow, it wasn't the same so I haven't been for a while.
Quote: Empathy is a funny thing, because it requires one to also reciprocate. Have you tried putting yourself in his shoes as well?
This is something I can honestly say I have done alot of. My H asked me not long ago how I am able to forgive the things that he has done and my answer was that I put myself in his shoes and understood the "why's". After alot of reading, I've realised that we have been reacting to each others actions (or inactions). Unfortunatly, we haven't always interpeted those actions from the other person's point of view and often had it wrong.
What is frustrating is that I have done so much work on myself and understanding why we got to the place where we are that I am ready to move on and re-build our marriage. He is not. I figure that it is like when he dropped the "bomb" a year ago. It had been going around in his mind for a long time before he actually said the words. He had got to his point of wanting change, but I was blind to it.
So, what do I do now? The way I see it, I have two choices. Either focus on myself and enjoy his friendship or walk away and cut off that friendship. I choose to stay for a couple of reasons. One is that I am still not in a place where I can say that I have recovered from this depression and have taken the risks I need to in order for me to be happy with myself. I am doing more and am in the process of reducing the meds, so it is coming....slowly. The second reason to stay is to give my H more time (and myself) for that friendship to grow into something more. THat is my hope. Another reason is the kids. They are happy and settled and the last thing I want to do is put them through any heartache - although I can occasionally see them watching and wondering whether my H and I will stay together.
Quote: Do you see what I'm getting at? The extra weight I carried was tangible evidence of my desperation and unhappiness... not with him (as I chose to state) but with myself. I hated the way I looked. I hated the way I felt, and I couldn't seem to find a place to begin to change. Worse, I didn't even see myself as worthy of change, so I remained stuck. It's no wonder that he felt I could never change. The fact is, I'd shown him little evidence that I would and could change--even for myself.
The more I blamed him for retreating from me, the more isolated we became. And it became a horribly lonely, desperate spiral downward.
Wow, well said. I think that I will really have to do more work in this area - both relating to my weight and the depression. You are right - my H has not seen a change in this area at all. The initial weight I lost after the "bomb" has all creeped back on. Although he may see some change in my outlook on life and my ability to pick myself up when I start heading down, the problem with my "self" is still there. This for me is where I am stuck. Maybe I need to be pushed over the edge - if I could just think of something to do, I'm sure I could find the courage to do it. But what?
They say your past holds the keys to what you really want but have shoved down in order to live a life that is "proper" or according to the accepted rules. I have been down that path before, and still have not come up with anything that lights my fire. So I have tried things that normally I wouldn't do, but admittedly, they are all pretty "safe" things (pole dancing has been my biggest risk and maybe that was for shock value more than anything else).
So, I can't prove to my H that I can change unless I change. I can't change unless I can make the steps towards changing. I can't make the steps unless I know what direction to go in. I can't know which direction I want to go in until I know what I want. Again, I'm back at square one. If I could get past this, I know my life would take a major turn and I would beat this depression forever.
So, these are some of my thoughts today. When the PMS hits again, I'll see things from the bottom, but at least I know it is only temporary.
