Hi Gjug! It's been a long time since I've been here and I was most intrigued when I spotted your new thread here in Piecing. Sounds like not much has changed since you started this journey? (How's the pole dancing class? )
Quote: He said that is a problem for him and although I can understand it from him point of view, I don't think he has even though of putting himself in my shoes.
Empathy is a funny thing, because it requires one to also reciprocate. Have you tried putting yourself in his shoes as well? I know you've done some introspection and IC on your own stuff, so please know I'm not at all slamming you.
Along with the legions of other posters who have come and gone here, I join the ranks with you and Gratefulmama. After having babies and living a most hectic life, I also gained some weight and found little time to schedule time to exercise. While my XH would NEVER come out and say my weight gain was a problem for him, it showed up in all sorts of other aspects of our married life.
I often wondered what kind of callous person would dismiss someone lovable who battled weight issues post partum? But I challenge you to dig a whole lot deeper than that simple statement or concept.
It took some C on my own (in a weight loss setting) to actually put on the shoes of my XH and see things from his POV. I gained 40 lbs, and while I'm tall like GM and was able to hide some of it awfully well, it was there for everyone to see.
What did he see? Well, he definitely saw an overweight middle aged woman. But that was on the surface. It was everything that simmered below the facade that seemed to radiate with more vehemence. Under that fatty exterior was a woman who rarely took charge of her own health. It was a woman who pretended that the family needed her more (giving her a martyr-like/victim complex) instead of finding willpower to schedule self care. Self care not for the purpose of turning on her man, but for her own needs and desires.
He also saw a woman who lacked self confidence... who was filled with self loathing, and whose angry tendencies for being less than seemed to take on a life of its own.
Do you see what I'm getting at? The extra weight I carried was tangible evidence of my desperation and unhappiness... not with him (as I chose to state) but with myself. I hated the way I looked. I hated the way I felt, and I couldn't seem to find a place to begin to change. Worse, I didn't even see myself as worthy of change, so I remained stuck. It's no wonder that he felt I could never change. The fact is, I'd shown him little evidence that I would and could change--even for myself.
The more I blamed him for retreating from me, the more isolated we became. And it became a horribly lonely, desperate spiral downward.
But for the grace of God, I chose to start working on my own self perception. When I was good and ready, I took on the self challenge to lose weight (which occurred about a year later). I had been exercising all along, but it just became a little more important to me. Except for the crappy 5 lbs I put on post gall bladder surgery, I've kept the weight off for 2 years now. I'm working at taking those 5 off as I write this! It wasn't as tough as I thought it would be... and I think that is mainly due to the fact that I knew I could change and committed myself to changing all aspects of my life. The rewards were tremendous.
My D12 told me after church tonight, "You know something, Mom? You look better than most people your age, and I'm not joking. I'm proud of you!"
It all boils down to a simple concept, ladies. It's not just the exterior that others see and judge, it's our willingness to become the women we desperately want to be and deserve to be. THAT'S what radiates from our souls.
Gjug, I know your battle with depression has been your toughest challenge, and I admire you for tackling it and working diligently at changing how you think. Keep moving forward!
I'm not going to answer your biggest question, because that's very personal and only one you can answer. He may be just as depressed as you have been, and I'd be willing to bet on it. If he were to leave, what would you be doing differently to take care of yourself? And if so, what's preventing you from doing it right now?
I hope this makes sense... I've had no caffeine today, and I'm sure it's affecting my brain power.
Hugs,
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
)
Betsey 