I think what I really have been struggling with is the degree of detachment. I am torn between continuing to show him how much I love him and totally detaching. I have been trying to follow his lead, but there is not alot to follow. I keep thinking that if I totally detach he will use that as an excuse to walk away (see...she doesn't care so why bother?). I have read not only DR but also 5LL and Care and Feeding of Husbands. I am trying to give him what he needs, but with so little input from him, I feel lost.
I've tried once in a while over the last year to bring him into some kind of R talk. He totally shuts down, gets angry, says he doesn't want to hurt me and then leaves. I've learned to recover from these times by telling myself that he is not ready to talk and blame myself for trying. THe last time was two months ago and he said he's only here for the kids. Is that even true? After a year, nothing has changed - do I have any reason to hope?
I often wonder if he even knows what love is - he can't even see it right in front of him. Every one around us thinks that we've worked things out (they were shocked in the beginning as we were always the couple that got along the best - and still are).
A good friend of mine has told me to stop asking and decided whether I am willing to live with the way things are now or am I willing to walk out on the whole marriage. I am not willing to give up. But the pain is not lessening and I don't think it ever will.
He seems satisfied the way things are. He kisses me hello and goodbye, but hasn't touched me sexually in 4 months. How does a man lie in bed with his wife night after night and choose not to touch her? It only leads me to believe that he has no attraction to me at all and I believe that is the whole problem right there. I want to ask him if he has any attraction to anyone - or is it just me. But I'm afraid of the answer. I have gained alot of weight through pregnancy and medications and am not proud of how I look, but have not managed to loose the weight. He said that is a problem for him and although I can understand it from him point of view, I don't think he has even though of putting himself in my shoes.
