Need to find my center!!!

[PArob]

First of all, GET OUT OF MY HOUSE AND STOP DOING MY WIFE!!!

Wait, maybe I should be saying the same thing to YOU! LOL You sure you don't live in PA??

Yes, they definitely are long lost twins....truly amazing really.

This is why I'm glad you're back, man. You really have put these things into perspective for me as usual.

Ok, this is being picky, but I found this interesting. Sure, you went on to expand the thought later on, but the sentence where you were going to tell us something that bothered you was filled with good things she's doing. Did you realize that? Funny, I wonder if we sometimes fail SO miserably in recognizing the good stuff (as you aptly point out later on). Something about cutting noses off in spite of faces or something like that.

It never dawned on me until I just reviewed it and you're right. Interestingly, this is what I HAVE been thinking...I've been so focused on the negatives that I haven't even given the positives a passing glance. And truly, the positives outweigh the negatives. The important thing is I lost myself in the negatives....to such a large extent. I used to be the positive one all the time and lately I have been wallowing in self-pity and negativity. Kind of ironic really, my W has always identified herself with the Disney character Eeyore (heck, she even has a shrine to the thing in our room)....strangely, I've adopted the Eeyore mentality in regards to this sitch. Must rid myself of this.

A little sidenote, funny how mentioning Eeyore just brought up something interesting....Back in September, right around the time the bomb dropped, I suggested to W that she get an Eeyore tattoo (she couldn't decide what to get) and she did. Ever since, my whole life has been shrouded in a gray cloud. A note to everyone out there....DO NOT suggest an Eeyore tattoo for your SO!! LOL And GH, if you tell me your W has one....then we need to really talk.........

Um...but...you know what that means...
"Well, my W is doing all this positive stuff BUT I can't see any of that because I am fixated on the negative."

Yes, exactly, even though I can see that the positives outweigh the negatives at this point.

I get the impression my W is trying in her non-direct, non-communicative way to say the same thing. She is trying to give me the impression (phone inside now and then when it used to live in her car) that she is having less contact with OM. She also gives me that line about needing to do it her way. Maybe they need to get a job at Burger King where they CAN have it their way!
I agree with you, and said so to my W too. There can be NO communication with OM if we are to truly move past this. I am not going to hold her to that now though because unlike your W (and as OT so kindly put it) my W has NOT decided to focus on our M. Yours has, and I think you have the right to hold her to that word. I think she will eventually see the light and do the right thing. Like you said there ARE VERY positive signs right now from your W.

Yeah, I agree with you here. I've told her that there is no possible way that we can move beyond this with him still in our life. As I put it, "B, there is NO way that I can ever accept him as part of our life". That as straight-forward as I can put it.

As for giving me the impression that she has less contact with OM, she has actually told me this (only after pressing some) and I have no choice but to believe her. She has said that she has distanced herself to a great deal. Okay, that's all well and fine, but I still couldn't understand why she needed the daily contact. In any event, I do believe she will eventually do the right thing....the only thing I fear is that I get fed up and move on before that time....

Again, my brother from another mother, I am going through the same thing, once again, sans the commitment to the M from my W. I feel like I am missing out on the opportunity to validate and express positive reactions to my W's progress. I suppose for me, dunno if it's the same for you, that it's because I am not totally convinced (or really even a little bit) that she's not just figuring out how to "play" me better so she can just go on with the cake/eating it too bit and if I react at all, positive or negative, it will play into that. It's so hard because reacting at all is something we try to resist in detaching, etc. It's hard to know when to stop that and start being a real, feeling human again.
Again, you don't have nearly the same problem. You know what you are seeing, and you know what you're doing. Just do it better.

Yes, I struggle with the exact same feelings....maybe this is all a play for her to be able to continue the cake eating ploy....but then again...

The point being, I guess I will never know unless I try and truthfully, she does deserve some props becuase she has expressed many positive things. If I keep focusing and harping on the negatives, it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Eventually, you both will have to get past your affairs (remember, I think she is still thinking about yours) and just fall back into trust once again.

I truly have no doubt that you are right and I think about this when I start to get indignant and start with the "how could you....", Yes, there will have to come a time, but in the meantime, I must focus on making myself a better person and hoping that she comes around in the process. The leap will come at some point....lets hope I remember to pack the parachute

By the way, if I'm ever in Florida, I am looking you up....maybe we were separated at birth..

This leads me to another question that I'll have to ask you offlilne (not related to R talk....)....