Need to find my center!!!

[PArob]

Not a whole lot to report since yesterday, but I see a lot of positives since I've modified my behavior over the past two days. Some interesting notes:

I've really taken to heart some of the ideas expressed by others on this site and put them to good use. Oldtimer, if you happen to be reading this, I can't thank you enough for your comments to GH and to me. I still read them at least twice daily and continue to tell myself that what I have made is a personal choice to deal with certain amounts of dishonesty, betrayal, etc. in the hope that I can eventually turn this marriage around. The probation period was another excellent suggestion. Also, if anyone hasn't had the chance to read Chromosphere's thread regarding self-esteem over in the SSM forum, I would encourage you to do so. Very positive stuff.

A couple of incidents from the past two days where, traditionally I would have escalated things into a huge fight, but turned them into positives:

Yesterday, W calls my mobile while on my way to work.

W: Are you okay? (she asked me this about three times the night before as well)

M: Absolutely, I'm great. Why?
W: I don't know, you just seem....different.
M: Maybe because I feel pretty good today? I'm just trying to find some happiness in the day.

so the conversation goes on and it turns to her sleeping in the evenings because she's been so tired. Now granted, I have been happily picking up the slack and helping out with the girls and keeping the house straight..

M: Well, I'll let you go so you can get some rest so you won't be so tired this evening.
W: Yeah, I don't like doing that.
M: I understand, I was just happy I could get you up last night so we could do Valentine's with the girls.
W: Well I guess so, I DID wait for you.
M: Yes, and I appreciate that a lot.

I sense she is getting moody at this point, her next comment really hits me by surprise:

W: Well, that's the point isn't it...a popularity contest to see who can win over the girls?
M: (and here is usually where I get very upset) I certainly can understand why you might think that, becuase I have been really bonding with the girls these past few months, but I have to tell you that I don't appreciate the implication. Throughout this whole ordeal, I have never said a bad word about you, but still continue to tell you that you are a fantastic person and a great mother. The implication that I am somehow trying to turn them against you is really unfair.
W: Sorry
M: Apology accepted.

There is a few other incidents like this throughout the evening, but each one of them I handle, in my opinion, very well. At one point, she actually came up to me, put her arms around me, kissed me and said "I am sorry, I don't want to fight with you."

I can see that much of this is getting to her, she feels guilty for not being up to the super mom standards and for creating strain in the household. Another comment she made last night was "I don't even need to be here, you guys don't need me."

To this I went over, sat down on the floor in front of her, looked at her straight in the eyes and said "I can understand why you may feel that way. But know this, I need you, the girls need you. We are not a family without you." I left it at that.

So all in all, things were very positive. I maintained a very positive attitude throughout the night, had a ball with the girls (can you say tickle fight?) and went to sleep at a reasonable time. And, oh yes, I got my V-day "gift" a night later

This weekend looks very positive, we might get away for the long weekend and I vow that no matter what, it will be a fun weekend.

That's my update....hope everyone else is doing well this morning.