Not a whole lot to report since yesterday, but I see a lot of positives since I've modified my behavior over the past two days. Some interesting notes:
I've really taken to heart some of the ideas expressed by others on this site and put them to good use. Oldtimer, if you happen to be reading this, I can't thank you enough for your comments to GH and to me. I still read them at least twice daily and continue to tell myself that what I have made is a personal choice to deal with certain amounts of dishonesty, betrayal, etc. in the hope that I can eventually turn this marriage around. The probation period was another excellent suggestion. Also, if anyone hasn't had the chance to read Chromosphere's thread regarding self-esteem over in the SSM forum, I would encourage you to do so. Very positive stuff.
A couple of incidents from the past two days where, traditionally I would have escalated things into a huge fight, but turned them into positives:
Yesterday, W calls my mobile while on my way to work.
W: Are you okay? (she asked me this about three times the night before as well)
M: Absolutely, I'm great. Why? W: I don't know, you just seem....different. M: Maybe because I feel pretty good today? I'm just trying to find some happiness in the day.
so the conversation goes on and it turns to her sleeping in the evenings because she's been so tired. Now granted, I have been happily picking up the slack and helping out with the girls and keeping the house straight..
M: Well, I'll let you go so you can get some rest so you won't be so tired this evening. W: Yeah, I don't like doing that. M: I understand, I was just happy I could get you up last night so we could do Valentine's with the girls. W: Well I guess so, I DID wait for you. M: Yes, and I appreciate that a lot.
I sense she is getting moody at this point, her next comment really hits me by surprise:
W: Well, that's the point isn't it...a popularity contest to see who can win over the girls? M: (and here is usually where I get very upset) I certainly can understand why you might think that, becuase I have been really bonding with the girls these past few months, but I have to tell you that I don't appreciate the implication. Throughout this whole ordeal, I have never said a bad word about you, but still continue to tell you that you are a fantastic person and a great mother. The implication that I am somehow trying to turn them against you is really unfair. W: Sorry M: Apology accepted.
There is a few other incidents like this throughout the evening, but each one of them I handle, in my opinion, very well. At one point, she actually came up to me, put her arms around me, kissed me and said "I am sorry, I don't want to fight with you."
I can see that much of this is getting to her, she feels guilty for not being up to the super mom standards and for creating strain in the household. Another comment she made last night was "I don't even need to be here, you guys don't need me."
To this I went over, sat down on the floor in front of her, looked at her straight in the eyes and said "I can understand why you may feel that way. But know this, I need you, the girls need you. We are not a family without you." I left it at that.
So all in all, things were very positive. I maintained a very positive attitude throughout the night, had a ball with the girls (can you say tickle fight?) and went to sleep at a reasonable time. And, oh yes, I got my V-day "gift" a night later
This weekend looks very positive, we might get away for the long weekend and I vow that no matter what, it will be a fun weekend.
That's my update....hope everyone else is doing well this morning.
"Achieve success, but without vanity; Achieve success, but without aggression; Achieve success, but without gain; Achieve success, but without force." Lao Tzu
Wow Rob, our W's are REALLY similar. My W has taken to "resting" a lot in the early evening and I have taken up the slack. She has also mentioned that she is not pulling her weight with the boys and notices how much we do things together. She hasn't said anything about it yet but...
I think you are doing GREAT! You really are. Please keep this going! I know Tim and I both have had a few days like this and then it kinda crashed. DON'T let that happen. Make it a permanent change!
Thanks, I feel great. I really do, even in the face of some uncertainty on her behalf, I feel SO much better for me. I can't say that I reached true detachment, but I think I am on the path and I see so many good things about it.
She mentioned to me this morning about getting away as a family for the weekend....sounds like a great idea to me
"Achieve success, but without vanity; Achieve success, but without aggression; Achieve success, but without gain; Achieve success, but without force." Lao Tzu
W: Well I guess so, I DID wait for you. M: Yes, and I appreciate that a lot.
W: Well, that's the point isn't it...a popularity contest to see who can win over the girls? M: (and here is usually where I get very upset) I certainly can understand why you might think that, because I have been really bonding with the girls these past few months, but I have to tell you that I don't appreciate the implication. Throughout this whole ordeal, I have never said a bad word about you, but still continue to tell you that you are a fantastic person and a great mother. The implication that I am somehow trying to turn them against you is really unfair.
"I don't even need to be here, you guys don't need me." "I can understand why you may feel that way. But know this, I need you, the girls need you. We are not a family without you."
Rob,
Thanks for the excellent examples of how to validate W's feelings and diffuse potentially difficult situations.
Keep it up! You are doing well! Like GH said truly keep working hard because just when you think you are detatching it is like a magnet and WHAM back to the rollercoaster! One thing the more you do what you are doing it is easier to recover and get back on track!
Tim
my story http://www.divorcebusting.com/ubbthreads/showflat.php?Cat=&Number=1049617&page=&view=&sb=5&o=&fpart=1&vc=1
Well, I did a little backsliding last night, but nothing too major....I got sucked into a conversation with her about money. I swear she loves to drag me out in these situations to see what my reaction will be. I mentioned that I had spend a couple of dollars yesterday for powerball and I get "yeah, whatever" ???WTF??? Okay, I played it cool for a second or two, then I said something along the lines of "I really don't think you should be the one talking about spending money.." considering the money she has spent on various phone cards to keep in touch with OM, the V-day gifts she bought for him, etc. In any event, I didn't get detailed, just made some general comments, then abandoned the sitch. All in all, not a major backslide and it all recovered nicely. I'm in a better place right now and still slept good last night
On a less happier note, today is OM's birthday......HB F'er. Sorry, I had to vent that somewhere
Otherwise, TGIF! I'm still trying to come up with ideas for a fun family weekend.....
"Achieve success, but without vanity; Achieve success, but without aggression; Achieve success, but without gain; Achieve success, but without force." Lao Tzu
You sound like you're doing great. Keep it up. It's natural to slip here and there. Like you said, it's all in the overall handling of the situation that matters. I think you did fine. It was very similar to my slip on V-day. No biggie.
Insight please. How is it that they can seemingly rejoin our lives, even put some amount of effort into it, and still carry on in some way with the OM? Did you do that? What is/was the reasoning behind it? Fear of losing the OP? Fear of the M failing to deliver for you?
It was almost easier to understand when my W had virtually no contact with me and almost nothing to say. Now she acts like our life is just going on business (well, no BUSINESS) as usual. Is this her way of testing the waters?
I am having a really hard time with this, as my thread can attest to. Our W's seem to understand what they are doing is wrong yet still do it.
Suppose we just chalk it up to the addiction factor.
Oh, and tell the OM I happy birthday and I hope he has at least 1 more...or not...ouch, that was mean. Sorry. Didn't really mean that...lol.
Quote: You sound like you're doing great. Keep it up. It's natural to slip here and there. Like you said, it's all in the overall handling of the situation that matters. I think you did fine. It was very similar to my slip on V-day. No biggie.
Thanks, overall the sitch wasn't all that bad and I've moved beyond it....
Quote: Insight please. How is it that they can seemingly rejoin our lives, even put some amount of effort into it, and still carry on in some way with the OM? Did you do that? What is/was the reasoning behind it? Fear of losing the OP? Fear of the M failing to deliver for you? It was almost easier to understand when my W had virtually no contact with me and almost nothing to say. Now she acts like our life is just going on business (well, no BUSINESS) as usual. Is this her way of testing the waters? I am having a really hard time with this, as my thread can attest to. Our W's seem to understand what they are doing is wrong yet still do it.
This is the one area that I struggle with, mightily. My sitch was a little different because when I finally was confronted, I started to make the changes come about to put myself back into the M....of course, I went about everything as situation normal the best I could....
In my W's situtation, she knows, that I know that she is still continuing this thing with OM, but insists that everything BE situation normal. I've been told "not to dwell on it", or the other one I like "I'm still here"....she knows exactly what it feels like, but doesn't seem to understand that I feel the exact same way she did. Strangely, I agree, when they don't want anything to do with us, then at least you can understand that, but when they want to live a "normal" life with you, but continue doing what they are doing....I guess its all about their comfort zone really. And I think to some extent the addiction factor is another. In some respects, I think it is a fear of losing...they know that the life they have with us is important, but yet there's this other thing that's tugging at their sleeves...maybe its a fear of hurting as well. I know my W doesn't want to hurt me or our girls, but I also think that she feels that giving up the OM will hurt him as well.
SIGH I just don't know, my W knows what she is doing IS wrong....she's already expressed that to me....but yet it continues and, here's the part that I love, I'm not supposed to say word one about it.
Quote: Oh, and tell the OM I happy birthday and I hope he has at least 1 more...or not...ouch, that was mean. Sorry. Didn't really mean that...lol.
Yeah, maybe I'll give him a call, send him a card. Well secretly and, shhhh, don't tell anyone I said this (he he), he turns 43 today....I'm hoping that he's a risk factor or something for like heart disease or some other ailment....
"Achieve success, but without vanity; Achieve success, but without aggression; Achieve success, but without gain; Achieve success, but without force." Lao Tzu
