(1) If it is less clothes at bedtime, that is a HUGE indicator of increased trust and intimacy, probably even more than you think. I really don't think that she would do that unless she has decided firmly upon being with you.
(2) By all appearances, you started pursuing her again. You initiate the physical touch the majority of the time and the flirting. There is a fine line here. If you can add this dynamic BECAUSE you are detached without expectations and simply enjoy her company, that is probably fine. But, if you are doing it out of neediness for a response, that is different.
(3) How do you step away from the old-R? Quit believing that you need it. What you want is a new R that works for both of you. Good for you for recognizing that this isn't automatic even if she comes back. And, always remember that you and kids can have a wonderful life without her. It just isn't what you want. And, I think you have a good chance of getting your current wants met.
(4) No matter how much growth you have done, what started the A is there to some significant degree. First, you have not changed the patterns BETWEEN the two of you in a husband-wife relationship that contributed to the A. You can't do this until you are in a H-W R and they haven't magically disappeared. Second, when you talk about addiction, you aren't too far off. Though, I find the addiction talk a bit too dismissive of the unmet needs your W is/has experienced. It also fails to recognize the part of your W that needs to feel that she is a good person who wouldn't F everything up for some meaningless A. Even if that is what she did, it is hard, brutally hard to face up to that. Thus, the ongoing drama and difficulty letting go and making a clean break is self-protectiveness on her part, saving face if you will. Anyway, lol, the drug part is apt because the A is a mind-numbing emotional escape. It is running away from the factors that led to the A rather than growing beyond them. She is still coping in part by using the A, it's remains, or the drama to mask her pain rather than process and address it. The A can function as a feel good drug (heroin) or as a painful distraction (cutting), but both are forms of escape.
Anyway, it seems that the new way of living and interacting with others that you are developing FOR YOURSELF is certainly worth maintaining because of that. It is when you shift to living that way out of need that it gets dicey. BTW, the flirtatiousness, etc, that you are able to engage in now that doesn't hurt because it isn't needy is probably all about you, lol. That's a good thing. It is probably available to you as a way to interact because you feel so much better about yourself. And, see how much more fun and attractive that makes you because of the increased confidence?
Rambling here, I know. But look, if you can't see another way to live because of your kids, then you need to figure one out. You need to feel in your bones that your life with your children will be wonderful no matter what W does. That is the point at which you both really gain freedom to choose to be together.
