OK Grasshopper. You might want to skip this post. This is beyond a 2x4, but I'm not feeling very patient today. I sincerely believe all of this AND that it is what you need to hear and do. But, (1) that is merely my opinion and (2) it is in my harsh style but (3) intended to help and support you.
Your W was starting to miss you when you let go a bit, stepped away from the R, and just started focusing on yourself and what YOU would do, not what she was doing. This was a very brief period of time around V-day.
She came toward you at that point. Unfortunately, you immediately closed the gap. You once again clearly entered and stayed in the R far more than she is.
For her to have the space she needs to gain clarity, you must step away from the R. You should not be in the R more than she is. You are dreaming of romantic interludes in Ireland. Your actions show her that she has you back in line and is giving you enough to keep you there. Sounds to me like a Just in Case scenario.
She knows what is going on must end, viz, her leading a torturous existence. But, she has not said what she thinks the solution is. The more she becomes content with becoming a WAW, for instance, the more at peace she will be at home and with you. I believe you mentioned she began sleeping in clothes. This is a HUGE denial of intimacy.
She feels no pain of losing you right now because she hasn't. Your presence remains strong, she is sure of it. It is probably even somewhat cloying and oppressive to her. She cannot get a true sense of her own feelings with you remaining in an R that she has left.
Back off. Quit dreaming. Live your own freaking life. If you are into the R far enough that it matters what she is doing with OM, then you are too far into the R. Why? Because you don't have a partner that is participating in an R in which clear monogamy, emotional and physical, is a requirement. You need to move yourself into that R and step out of the old R. I am in NO WAY encouraging you to have an A of any sort. But, you are in an R in which you are basically dating someone who is unwilling to commit AND unwilling to be honest with you about the other parts of her life. This will NOT change until she gains clarity. She will NOT gain clarity with you on top of her mooning over her.
Go joing a bridge club, a running club. Make new friends. Do it this week. Let go of the R that no longer exists. Get together with some DBers in Florida. Get excited doing research on what YOU will be doing in Ireland. Look at special things that you will put on the agenda. You are going as part of a travel group and you have a roommate.
Trust me, it is unattractive AND unempowering to deceive yourself by staying in an R that is not present. You can't tell what YOU want. She can't tell what SHE wants.
Also, quit feeling so ENTITLED to having your W back fully. Quit waiting for her to GET OVER her stupid fling and fall all over you. Whatever drove her to the affair is still there. Her pain in your R from both your actions severed that R. It is over. She can choose to reenter into a new husband-wife R with you OR NOT. It is her free choice. She is not abusing you by taking time to decide whether or not to do so.
You, though, are abusing yourself by putting yourself in the role of victim in an R that no longer exists waiting for what you think is rightfully yours to be returned.
STEP AWAY FROM THE R FURTHER THAN SHE HAS. IF YOU REAPPROACH HER, DO SO AT A FAR SLOWER RATE THAN SHE APPROACHES YOU. You BOTH need to be VERY CLEAR that any rebuilding of an R at this point is because SHE WANTS TO and does so freely.
If you don't think that will work for you, then find something else that does, but which does not involve mooning by yourself sitting squarely in an ex-R.
