Well, today is not starting out really well. Nothing much going on and as they say, an idle mind is the devil's playground. I keep having thoughts go through my head about how I feel like I am about done with all this. I know I have been here a thousand times before and it won't last. It feels like I get to a place where I really feel good about myself and thats when I look at this sitch and think "I don't need this anymore." I don't really feel that way but it's now that it seems like it would be so easy to just tell my W to either stay or go, I don't care which. The weekends usually bring this on and this one is no exception. I will get past it with any luck at all. Still holding out hope that Ireland will do me a lot of personal good and maybe do something for my R. We'll see.
Her butt! The smell of my W perfume on a pillow did it to me the other day! Men are supposed to be more sensitive aren't we? Amazing I never noticed these things until we seperated!
Tim
my story http://www.divorcebusting.com/ubbthreads/showflat.php?Cat=&Number=1049617&page=&view=&sb=5&o=&fpart=1&vc=1
Welp, it was a truly uneventful day. No backslides, no drama at all. I am still having those thoughts of W. I think sometime soon I will approach her about it. It would be a 180 for me to actually talk seriously about being affectionate rather than just insinuate I would like to have sex or make some kind of sarcastic comment. I used to tell her she looked great, but never really in the context of "hey, you look great and I really want to kiss you right now." I know right now is not the time for that, but I am sensing that things like that were REALLY missing in our R, and I know she likes it. Anyway, thats about all for now. I will post more if there is more to post. It's off to my parents for my mom's birthday tomorrow and who knows what else. Going into the two prime date nights for my W and OM it will be tough as always...
Ya well, it didn't take long. I was walking past my W and gave her a little smile. She asked what I was smiling at. I said nothing. About 10 minutes later I walked back past her and I said "You asked what I was smiling at. I was noticing how amazing you look and crazy thoughts like how much I would like to kiss you. Crazy thoughts..." From when I said she looked amazing until the kiss comment, she had a BIG smile on her face. Almost embarrassed. It was a good thing. No tension at all. I was playful and I think even though I will likely not revisit it soon, it took a brick down from the wall. I complemented her, flirted, and 180'd all in one sentence. If only I ever did that 7 years ago...
It was a really slow weekend. No news to speak of other than my W has been wearing a t-shirt and undies to bed the last 2 nights, something she has never done in our 9+ years of being together. No ML, but I did give her back and leg rubs until...sleep...sigh. I am still confused by my W's apparent warming up to me. Our time together with the kids this weekend was nice. The trip to my parents was good. I had no real backslide this weekend and going into "date night" Monday, I am ok. I am a little apprehensive about my feelings should she tell me she's going out tonight in light of NO apparent contact with OM (I'm sure there was something but she went far out of her way to hide it). I think I will make me want to confront her about V-day again since she made such a big deal out of that being their "night" to talk about the need for the A to end. I will, of course, start right now resisting that urge and do my best "as if" for later.
So, I guess if not much news is good news, then it's all good for now. 1 1/2 weeks until Ireland...
So as usual, Monday was my W's night to go out. She swore she was going to a movie alone, and it could be true. Here is my question for some of you who may be reconciling, or maybe just want to chime in; if my W's actions seem to somewhat support the idea that she is beginning to come back, but she seems to have NO interest in verbally assuring me that she is, how do I give her the trust she seems to ask for? To be specific, the said she was going to the movies "alone" and got a little miffed when I seemed to not believe her. She said I was "acting" like I always do when she goes out. Funny, this time, I really believe I was not. Usually, and you all know this, I am honest here about that. I was ok at the time she said that. So we are at a point where my W seems to be asking me to believe her when she says certain things, and her actions most of the time back up what she says. Do I just believe her? Do I just write it off and try to not even consider the situation, just DBing my way through it? I truly don't know what to think about my W right now. She seems to be doing everything short of actually saying she's ready to work on us. I think I am at a crossroads where my actions/words may play a part in where we go from here. Trust too soon and get burned, trust not at all and maybe still get burned. Where do I go from here? I am going to continue to DB. I am going to continue to read and grow as a person. I never want to go back to being the man who participated in the downfall of this marriage. It's time to see if there is something new to build here. Don't get me wrong. The OM is still around, this I know, but he may be on the way out. Let's hope...
To be specific, the said she was going to the movies "alone" and got a little miffed when I seemed to not believe her. She said I was "acting" like I always do when she goes out. Funny, this time, I really believe I was not.
You just wrote that you "seemed to not believe her". That's what she took notice of. What did you do? There's your next 180 project for you in that answer.
So we are at a point where my W seems to be asking me to believe her when she says certain things, and her actions most of the time back up what she says. Do I just believe her? Do I just write it off and try to not even consider the situation, just DBing my way through it?
"most of the time" suggests to me that you still have situations where her actions don't match her words? Thus, trust is an iffy thing to hand over without a consistent firm basis, no? You don't have to trust her right now. Your granting of trust at this moment is not the issue. Acceptance is. Swap "acceptance" for "trust". Accept her at her word, let events play out, and evaluate them, keeping an eye open, and see if she continues giving you reason to build trust step by step.
Trust, for you, will never be of the blind kind again. And it's better that way.
Thanks NYS, you come back to me at the right time. I really appreciate that advice as always. It is really hard to accept some of these things. To explain a little more about what I mean by "most of the time" her actions back up her words, I mean there are some things I observe with her that don't necessarily fit with someone mending their marriage and dumping the OM...or maybe they do? She sleeps in these t-shirts at night she claims are mine, but they are XL's...I wear medium. She listens to love songs on her iPod constantly, and I don't think she's thinking of me (she has me update her iPod and I see the play counts...snooping I guess, but it would be hard not to notice). She had a teddy bear in her arms last night, and it wasn't something I gave to her. There are more things like that, but the picture I get is of someone clearly not over somebody at the least, and still seeing them and "in love" at the most. She still has not claimed to have broken things off with him but just that she supposedly talked to him about it needing to end on Valentines day. I know this is all about her, and I can't force the issue without unpredictable at best results. I still think before we embark on this trip it would be good to know where things stand. Am I asking for too much? Or, is it that I am asking in the wrong way? Maybe I shouldn't require a conversation, just action? I think I am comfortable going to Ireland and just trying to be the best man I can be, having no expectations, and letting the romance of staying in little countryside B&B's do whatever magic it may do. Again, I THINK I am ok with doing that but I am still afraid that I will have expectations and react poorly if they don't come true. No matter what, I am totally committed to this trip being fun. I just want to give myself the best chance to be stress-free....may not happen, eh? Like I said, my compass is a little messed up right now. I know this could be a very perilous part of my journey in all this and I would hate to let fear or confusion deter me from the right thing to do...or not do.
I thought I would post some of the positive things going on right now to balance some of my anxiety.
-My W seems much more animated around me. Our conversations are once again filled with laughter. -I spend more time downstairs on purpose, and she seems to like that. -There is more physical contact, albeit most of it initiated by me (which has always been the case in our R). She asks for back rubs and also likes me to rub her legs at night -I am much more confident around her and make decisions quickly and without hesitation, a major 180 for me. I used to be so concerned about what SHE might want to do, I would basically try to guess it and say that instead of just making the choice I wanted to make. -We are starting to banter lightly about $ex again. I am careful not to get sophomoric about it. She smiles a lot during these little exchanges. -She seems to care what I think about the A or lack thereof, stopping just short of telling me it's over. -This trip to Ireland that can't help but recharge us. We have not been on a trip alone in over 8 years!!!!! -She is calling me much more during the day for no real reason. This is the time she used to be with him almost every day. Dunno if it's significant but for a woman who didn't do that much before, the calls are nice. -The Valentines card she gave me where she said she still loves me. I know it's probably what she felt she had to do, but it still felt a little good. Kinda like the warmth a single match gives off in the Arctic. -I am in great shape. I have a new wardrobe, and she's noticed.
That's all I can think of right now. There are more, and there is a list of negatives, but I am going to let those go for now. I still think the next bomb could be dropped at any moment. For now though, I am content to keep growing and developing my ability to generate my own happiness and peace. If the day comes where she tells me something devastating, maybe I will be in a better place to hear it. When the day comes to build our new marriage, I am no doubt in a MUCH better place to do THAT.
Funny, there's a multitude of things about my W's actions that speak so loudly. What used to pass for normal life for us has been cast aside. Some days its not so bad, but others it really starts to get to me. A few of the things I've noticed is that she requires a lot more sleep these days then she used to (granted, she works pretty hard, but she always has been motivated to do so much), the "love" music, the contstnt angst regarding her appearance (weight control, clothes, etc)...in short, its about her, not about the family unit. Funny, at times her guilt really shines through when it comes to these things.
With regard to your W, you're probably right. She's not exhibiting those signs that we all long to see, but that necessarily doesn't mean bad things. She is confused, she likely knows that her place is there with you, but this "addiction" is pulling at her. It has to die its own death and it seems as though she is letting go to some degree. It won't happen overnight...for some reason she feels connected to the OM and giving up that connection is never easy.
The way I see it, at least when viewing my sitch, is that in the end, they always must make a choice. I know for my W, it is emotionally impossible for her to carry on two lives for very long. I can see the affects of it already. In her head, she knows that her place is with me and the girls...she has said this on many occasions, but she needs time to work through the feelings she is having. It is likely that your W is going through the same thing.
The best thing you can do right now GH is to stay your course. You've been doing so well in all this and I'd hate for you to jump ship at the wrong time. Remember, you have chosen to stick by this for at least another couple of weeks and THEN re-evaluate where you are. Stick by that committment. Let the trip be what it is, don't expect the world, but have fun with it. Don't dwell on the negatives here. Patience.
By the way, I know NYS had suggested this some time ago, but I just recently got a copy of "The Little Book of Letting Go"....a very inspirational read. I would suggest that if you have the time, check it out.
"Achieve success, but without vanity; Achieve success, but without aggression; Achieve success, but without gain; Achieve success, but without force." Lao Tzu
