Really sorry to hear about your kitty. I know how hard it is. We had to give ours up when we moved into an apartment between our old house and this one. It really hurt. (((hugs)))).
Thank goodness I am not you, because I would have told W that she was not welcome to the dinner with you and the boys, that she had changed and interrupted too many plans to fit into her own schedule. I would have taken back the gift to VS and not gotten her anything.
Oh, trust me, the thought crossed my mind, and actually still is. As for taking her gift back, I sorta did. I took 1/2 of it back. lol. It was too much under the circumstances and I think besides the "other" reason I had for taking it back, it would have sent the wrong message. I am not trying to send any message at all. I am just trying to return the favor of my...er...(can I call her my wife NYS?) female roomate...lol.
Time is short, but how about a pool for who can predict what my W's card to me will say! I just decided to get anxious about that. Isn't it great. I now DECIDE what to obsess over. lol. It's progress, no?
In all seriousness, I am curious what, if anything it will say beyond the standard printing on the card. Hell, if she's like me, she didn't find one that was appropriate. What would a care appropriate to our sitch look like? Maybe a photo of a knife with blood on it and inside it would say "Thinking of you on this day of lovers. Sorry I can't be there with you, I am with another guy." Or how about "Honey, I would like to say how much our life together meant to me before I met my new man. Now I just want to tell you how much I care about you and hope you can start dating so I can stop feeling so guilty. Happy Valentines Day!" Oh, I know. "My dearest husband. You are the love of my life. You are the apple of my eye. You make my world go around. Unfortunately I have to donate blood all night tonight and won't be able to make dinner, a movie or ML later. Happy Valentines Day." Oh well. Maybe there is a future for us in the "dark side" of the greeting card industry.
Interesting pool....I'll let you in on my W's card to me this morning..
The front: Your Love Means So Much To Me
Inside: I'm paraphrasing, but in essence, it was an appreciation for my love for her. Anyone see what's missing here?
To her credit, I did get some chocholates and peanut butter fudge (yum!)....apparently trying to counteract my LBS diet!!!
Maybe we can start a pool on what the OP's card says??
"Achieve success, but without vanity; Achieve success, but without aggression; Achieve success, but without gain; Achieve success, but without force." Lao Tzu
That is the sound of you being hit with the DB whip. I know it's hard for you today, but you are getting worse as the day goes on. Please, please, please go for a run or something and get it out of your system. No things are not great between you and your W, but things are showing signs of improving if you don't slip back into your old behavior.
Were you talking to me or Rob? I am getting better as the day goes on. Dunno if my post really conveys that. I feel much better than I did a few hours ago. I am NOT going to do anything tonight to backslide. I am going to be a perfect gentleman.
It was meant for you but maybe you don't really need it as much as I thought. Does Rob need a good swack? I can certainly give him one too if need be.
You don't have to be the "perfect" gentleman but I hate to see you feeling so negative about things when you seem to have so many positive things too. I'm glad to hear you are feeling a little better.
Lol, yes, I'd say it is progress to recognize your weakness here and treat it with laughter. You are right that no matter where her head is, that purchasing a card (if she did) was hard for her.
Anyway, if you need help building your arsenal of self-directed arrows, here's one to consider adding. Maybe, she'll write: "I used that 2 for 1 coupon for Hallmark. Boy, it was especially tough to find a card that worked for both of you, but I didn't want to play favorites."
In all seriousness, I'd put my money on some note that tries to get her off the hook, to relieve her guilt in some way...
Something like, "Dear H, you are a wonderful man and a great father. I am so sorry for putting you through this, I just need to do this for me right now."
If so, I'd suggest you validate for both your sakes, and validate both sides. Wow, thanks for the card, it means alot to me that you recognize and acknowledge my hurt. And, I know that you are a good woman and you don't want to cause me pain. It must hurt you too because you are a caring person. I understand that you feel it is truly what you need to do right now. It must be so hard to be in that position and I know it takes a lot of courage for you to find your way through it.
Now look, I know it would be hard to say such stuff. But, first, it's true, or you wouldn't want her back. Second, the overwhelming guilt she feels is a huge barrier to her being able to have an R with you. Third, though you may not see it, she really is brave (if misguided) and taking steps to become happy, as painful as the process may be. So, acknowledging that it is important for her to own her own happiness is not a bad thing. It doesn't mean that you think she is taking the right path to do it. But, the compassionate you knows that we will all have misteps. The greater our pain, the easier it is to stumble.
-W is much more interactive with me AND the boys lately. She has more energy and seems to be warming up to "us" a bit. -The trip to Ireland is a focal point for us right now and is taking some of the daily stress away. Maybe a mask, but a good one at that. -I am much more stable now. Not much backsliding, at least in person. Here is another story. -W seemed to indicate that the OM thing is turning negative. Dunno if that's true. If so, great. -I am doing ok with DB and focusing on me. Got a basketball game to go to tomorrow night and may just head out afterwards to parts unknown. -and many more...
Negatives: -W is going out with the MFing OM on Valentines day!
I suppose the scale would tip in the positive's favor...
I think your prediction will be RIGHT on and I love your advice of what to do. I am going to do my best to validate.
For you, and everyone else, I do have a question. How is it that these people (WAS) seem to think everything is about them, EVEN things WE do. I ask because whenever I tell her I am going out, or doing something, she assumes it is a reaction to something she did or said. I mean I can't go to the bathroom without her thinking it's revenge for her affair. When I told her I was taking the boys out for Valentines day she asked why? Um, because I want to take them out. Oh, you mean is it because I am going out and you're pissed so you don't want to be here? No, I want to take my sons out and have fun instead of wallowing in self pity. I guess I do a poor job of "as if" sometimes but even when I am legit in doing something for myself she takes credit for it. Geez.
"Achieve success, but without vanity; Achieve success, but without aggression; Achieve success, but without gain; Achieve success, but without force." Lao Tzu
