I have to agree with NY. Screw your friends. If they are truly your friends they will be there for you down the road. I have to good friends who told me the same thing as you. I was hurt and I stopped talking to them for awhile. You know what happened? After awhile they realized our friendship was stronger than their personal opinions and just listened to me. This helped me realize what I needed to do with my W. See if Our M is able to survive! Today is a special day for you because of your proposal. It always will. It will also be a special day for your W for the rest of her life. Realize she is going through an emmotional turmoil also. It is hard but she needs to deal with it on her own.
Oh yah! Stop giving yourself ultimatiums! I have given myself and my W several of these and you know that, but look at what I am still doing......doing my best to keep our M alive! Your feelings will change day to day on whether you can continue or not. You have to decide for yourself when that day will come. You are putting undo pressure on yourself by giving yourself ulitimatums! I think you have an excellent plan for today! Execute it and be strong! You are doing awesome and tomorrow will be new day!
Tim
my story http://www.divorcebusting.com/ubbthreads/showflat.php?Cat=&Number=1049617&page=&view=&sb=5&o=&fpart=1&vc=1
Personally, I don't think so, unless God's culpable for people having affairs. I think the Bible puts it nicely in Proverbs somewhere... that we're all like fish in the sea and can be snared up in a net, that chance and unforeseen circumstances affect us all (no one's doing anything to you, it's just life). And that, what you sow you reap, so for whatever you put into your sitch (cause), there'll be some sort of result (effect). And that the heart is treacherous and cannot be trusted (emotions are fickle and we cannot permit ourselves to be led by them as the results can hurt us rather than help us).
Good lord man, now you're breaking down scripture. You da MAN! Thank you for the slap my friend. You are speaking the truth and I know it. Hard to practice sometimes, but true.
Screw them.
Um, no thanks. They're hairy and men...not my type. I'm hard up but not THAT far gone yet.
Good Lord. man. She's a Walk-Away!!! She's NOT a "wife" right now!
Interesting concept.
Was that because you're looking toward W to comfort and soothe your upset?
No, I just wanted to grill her some more. I wanted to painfully extract information from her. If anything maybe like the "snoopers" I thought she may tell me something that, yes, might make me feel better. As I said, it was mainly about anger, not sadness. Glad it didn't happen. Another learning experience.
You don't have to anything but focus on yourself without her thumbprint on you.
I think she prefers to use her middle finger to "imprint" me.
Personally, I don't think so, unless God's culpable for people having affairs. I think the Bible puts it nicely in Proverbs somewhere... that we're all like fish in the sea and can be snared up in a net, that chance and unforeseen circumstances affect us all (no one's doing anything to you, it's just life). And that, what you sow you reap, so for whatever you put into your sitch (cause), there'll be some sort of result (effect). And that the heart is treacherous and cannot be trusted (emotions are fickle and we cannot permit ourselves to be led by them as the results can hurt us rather than help us).
Good lord man, now you're breaking down scripture. You da MAN! Thank you for the slap my friend. You are speaking the truth and I know it. Hard to practice sometimes, but true.
Screw them.
Um, no thanks. They're hairy and men...not my type. I'm hard up but not THAT far gone yet.
Good Lord. man. She's a Walk-Away!!! She's NOT a "wife" right now!
Interesting concept.
Was that because you're looking toward W to comfort and soothe your upset?
No, I just wanted to grill her some more. I wanted to painfully extract information from her. If anything maybe like the "snoopers" I thought she may tell me something that, yes, might make me feel better. As I said, it was mainly about anger, not sadness. Glad it didn't happen. Another learning experience.
You don't have to anything but focus on yourself without her thumbprint on you.
I think she prefers to use her middle finger to "imprint" me.
"self-promoted denial"??? BAH. What kind of YUCK-speak is that????
How about, "Self-promoted respect". You don't know how you will feel at the end of the time period, what you will want, what you will tolerate. No need to issue an ultimatum to yourself. That doesn't mean you are in denial or avoiding anything. It means that you are committing to something manageable right now and are realistic enough and caring enough of yourself to revise your aims in light of new information you gather during the time period. Come on, you should be proud of your capacity to take responsibility for whatever is next while recognizing it is uncertain and only time will bring news of the future. That is a strong, empowered position.
"self-imposed denial" JEEZ!!!!
You talk nice to yourself Grasshopper and respect that in yourself that you would respect in others.
GH, I'm here..I'm here okay? I'm thankful that OT has reached out to you. She's one helluva together lady I have to say. In fact OT, if you get the chance we've started a thread in Survived. I think it would be nice to get your input Done Dance
Anyway, back to you GH. I'm sorry that you have to go through this...hell sorry that we have all had to go through our own personal hells so to speak. Sorry that today is an important day to you.
Not sure if you have been reading my thread over in Survived the D, but this afternoon I'll be putting my 20yr cat to sleep for the very last time. 20yrs...through one long marriage and another long R. She's been with me since she was just a mere 6wks old. I was pretty traumatized this am, crying hysterically as I held her knowing that this was the hardest thing I would ever do in my life but had to do. Trying to find some strength in me to even make the call. My exH who promised me just a couple of days ago to be there for me, chickened out, he can't be there he said. So I face it alone. Of course, to add insult to injury, he thinks our daughter should go. But from somewhere I pulled this Scarlett O'Hara strength out of me and I'm doing it...and I'm done with all the crap in my life. I needed someone, anyone today and realized there is no one here...no one to hold me, comfort me when I need them...and somehow my friend, I'm pulling through this...and the feeling I have inside right now is something I can't even begin to describe. Anyway why am I spilling out here...because I've got to move on and keep a promise to my daughter about a Vday dinner for her and her BF tonight. I can choose to sit here and contine to mourn for my loss or I can come back with a fighting vengeance that noone including myself has ever seen.
Same thing for you my friend. You are not a victim here, you have control over your life...You've made excellent progress in such a short amount of time. STOP BEATING YOURSELF UP!! You've got some excellent advice from OT and NYS here...when you get down on yourself, you need to go back and reread some of what they have been telling you.
Thank goodness I am not you, because I would have told W that she was not welcome to the dinner with you and the boys, that she had changed and interrupted too many plans to fit into her own schedule. I would have taken back the gift to VS and not gotten her anything. But that's just the new me...sorry.
the psychobabble is useful, it gives us terms to talk about things we haven't learned how to talk about. Just check your spin and make it positive
And hey, you're making me laugh, which is making me smile after I finish laughing, if you know what I mean. That is, I'm happy for you.
Also, I'm glad you think I'm softer. It is hard for me to be soft when I hurt, and I was hurting for you (in a good way, not in an enmeshed yucky way). But, when I get like that, my defensiveness/anger/passion/whatever it is about the hurt makes it hard for me to do anything other than just be very direct and let go in sometimes a bit of a tough way. But, it is either that or be silent, and it got to the point that I couldn't bear the silence. (I know, I'm a weirdo, lol.)
Anyway, keep those bright eyes and secure self on for the rest of the day, they suit you well. I've got to get back to work and step away from the board, lol.
Not to hijack, but reading these posts has given me a lot of personal strength today. Thank you.
"Achieve success, but without vanity; Achieve success, but without aggression; Achieve success, but without gain; Achieve success, but without force." Lao Tzu
