I'm so sorry this is such a hard day for you. Your friends want to take care of you and let you know that you don't deserve to be treated like this and see you as a victim.
They are partially right. You don't deserve to be treated like this. You are a good man that deserves to be treated with respect, compassion, and dignity. But, they are wrong that you are a victim, that you are being abused. You are an adult and you have chosen to accept this undeserved treatment because it is part of what you need to do FOR YOURSELF. You need to know that you have done your best and respected your own wishes and values by this marriage. You are not a victim, so tell your friends they don't need to defend or protect you. You are an empowered chooser determining what you can determine about the course of your own life.
Contrast a child with a parent who is constantly verbally abusive and manipulative with a psychologist with a patient who is constantly verbally abusive and manipulative. Neither the child nor the psychologist deserves that treatment. But, only the child is abused. It is the choice of the psychologist to endure that treatment because of her own goals. It is also the choice of the psychologist as to what boundaries she sets and enforces.
Now, I'm glad that your W was honest with you about seeing OM. That is at least a sign of respect. I would accept that she has no intention of this being a date with OM. However, it may turn into one out of her feeling guilt over hurting him, or the old "one last time" for closure story, or her fear of being alone because she is realizing how F'ed up her life is. Then again, she may feel compelled to get some closure on that R BECAUSE this day is so important to her she can't face it without doing something to end that chapter. There is NO TELLING. And, even if she were totally honest with what she is thinking, planning, and feeling at this moment, there would be NO TELLING. No matter what, she will be all over the place for quite awhile.
I know what you mean about deal breakers that turn out not to be deal breakers. I did that myself. I think we take things that haven't happened, and we really don't think will happen, and set them up as deal breakers so that we feel we have some smidgen of self-respect. But, this really backfires.
We don't know how we will feel or react when the purported deal breaker happens. And how could we? It's not like we've have multiple experiences to learn what to expect. If it turns out not to be a deal breaker, then our having linked it to our self-respect makes it seem like such another deep blow. Another loss of self-respect, and diminishment and sacrifice of who we are, another step on the way toward getting a permanent "please sh*t on me" tattoo on the forehead.
So, it is best not to impose these deal breaker ideas on yourself. Quit giving yourself ultimatums when it comes to the marriage, lol.
But, you still need to set and maintain boundaries. Personally, I'd quit sharing a marriage bed with someone who was regularly putting another partner before me. But, that is me. Being unwilling to participate in her drama tonight is a great boundary.
And, I'll tell you my trick that is responsible for the great R I have today. My H, then BF, and I were having a difficult time because of old stuff on his side. I had to give myself daily pep talks about it being my choice to endure a pretty good amount of crap because I saw so much potential that it was worth the risk to me. Anyway, my trick was to choose a block of time to which I was committed to handle what was going on. That was my boundary -- I was unwilling to go through the pain without an end in site. At the end of that time, I would then reevaluate things and then make another choice as to whether to commit another probationary block of time, to end the relationship, or to fully commit to the relationship long term.
I committed a one month block of time which was good for me. Too short and it would have been, oh, well, nothing has happened and I have to reevaluate tomorrow (or whatever). Too long and it would have seemed unbearable. Anyway, it gave me huge amounts of strength and patience during that time. It was also very healing I think in terms of finding respect for myself and moving out of victimhood. It was also a very powerful good in my R, I believe, that led to very good outcomes.
So, my advice to you would be to put her on probation for a month or 6 weeks. You do not need to share this with her, it is a tool for you to master your own role in this mess. Observe what happens, take notes, detach. Roll with the punches and step away from the drama when possible. Affirm to yourself that it is your choice to do so. Pay attention to your needs. Question whether an R with W could ever meet those needs. Learn what you want and expect in a permanent R. I'm telling you, the mental time limit on my acceptance of the situation really helped me a lot. And, to emphasize, it wasn't a deal breaker time limit -- if things aren't better by such and such a date then I'm out of here. Rather, it was a time limit on a certain kind of acceptance I would commit to before I reevaluation my choice.
