I must be a grizzled vet by now. That's like my 5th lockdown.
Ok, so here we are at V day. Is everyone ok? I thought of starting a thread about it, but thought better of it.
I am doing ok so far. I woke up and got ready for work. W was still sleeping, S3 just came into our room. Normally my W likes me to rub her back or give her a hug on the way out. Today I didn't really feel like doing that. Initially I just said goodbye and went downstairs. Right before I left, I went back up and gave her a little peck on the cheek (usual for us) and left it at that. I am making plans for me and the boys to be gone all afternoon and evening. I do not want to be there when she leaves to go out. As for my gift, and I know there was some discussion of this last night here, I got her two sets of cotton, baggy, NON-sexy PJ's from Victoria's Secret. She complained about not getting any from me or her parents (see, her PARENTS even buy these things for her) for Christmas so... I am thinking of returning one set tho. I am afraid of it looking like I am trying to be the big spender and as Sassy said, that it looks like I am competing with her (or someone else). I simply wanted to get her something thoughtful since she said she got me a few things. I am going to go to the mall and decide what to do then. I am thinking one set is good enough. Again, I hope this most cruel day in DB land is finding you as well as can be. Remember, it's just a day, right?
If it makes you feel any better GH, this has been a very bad day for me. In fact, its been a pretty bad couple of weeks. I need to get a grip on myself here before I blow everything right out of the water. If I could only heed my own advice......
Your gift selection doesn't sound so bad to me, I would imagine that she would see it as non-threatening. Good luck with you day!
"Achieve success, but without vanity; Achieve success, but without aggression; Achieve success, but without gain; Achieve success, but without force." Lao Tzu
If it makes you feel any better GH, this has been a very bad day for me.
No, Rob, it doesn't make me feel any better, and yes, you do need to get ahold of yourself. I can't say I would be doing too much better in your sitch but you really do need to find some way to fundamentally change your approach. You are in a rut and SAYING you are going to pull out is not good enough. You really need to do it. This whole process is about us growing into being a self sufficient person, NOT dependent on our W's for emotional well-being. You are not doing that right now. Please, if you are looking for something that would make me feel better, AND make you feel better, post some goals on your thread. Goals that you can attain by the end of today. Mine is to not cry at all today. It's hard, and I don't know if I can do it, but I will try. I think you will be fine. So do you.
Thanks GH, I think that is what I really need to do. I have been a wreck these past two weeks and I see everything slipping away. I've pushed and prodded and squeezed the life out of any progress that I had made in the past month. I will post those goals and implement them. In actuality, I just printed the post of oldtimer in your previous thread which I found to be quite eye-opening. I have re-read that like 5 times and see so much of myself in that.
Thanks...I didn't want to hijack your thread, but your advice, as well as that of the others, is so good.
My goal today is to get back on track and remain upbeat.
"Achieve success, but without vanity; Achieve success, but without aggression; Achieve success, but without gain; Achieve success, but without force." Lao Tzu
How the hell do I reconcile my W with another man on Valentines day? In my case, it is NOT hypothetical. She admitted she was going to be with him but that it was not a date...er...ok. I am going to be FINE when I see her later but for now, I am stewing inside. Forget all the DB stuff, this is primal. I have this feeling in my gut that is getting worse as the day goes on. I am going to feel this. It IS going to hurt, but I guess I won't let that show. I will try to focus on my plans for the evening and be done with it. We are exchanging gifts when I get home from work. That ought to be fun. We'll see how it goes. I am just a bit of a wreck right now and I know, I KNOW I should not let it get to me. I am human. Sorry. Time for the pity party to end. I will get strong. I have to. And...the grand finale...of course....THIS SUCKS!
I feel your pain so much right now....my W isn't going out on a date tonight (as far as I know), but I do know they exchanged gifts last night (and yes, this was after my W told me that she had ended things with him). So, I kinda know where you're coming from.
I know I'm probably the worst person in the world right now to offer advice, but BELIEVE me, you must find that center, you must not focus on what she is doing (do you know for certain that is what she is doing?) and you must detach as much as humanely possible.
Yes, it is primal, but what separates us from the apes my friend is the ability to categorize and control our emotions. You will have to try and let it slide to the best of your ability. You're right. THIS SUCKS. But the choice to follow through with our M's has been OUR choice, and we must accept the ups and downs and the consequences.
One thing I have been thinking about lately is that I know that whatever our WAS's are up to, it cannot last forever. At some point they will have to make the choice that will be right for them...without our help and without our intervention. The best thing we all can do right now in our sitch is to let them ride it out, be supportive and do not cage them in. I really despise this saying, but damn if it ain't applicable: If you love someone, set them free. If them come back to you, yadda yadda. You get the picture. We must set them free if we have any chance of ever getting them back from Planet WAS.
Please GH, do your venting here....try to focus on you and what you and your boys will be doing. Don't focus on her..
"Achieve success, but without vanity; Achieve success, but without aggression; Achieve success, but without gain; Achieve success, but without force." Lao Tzu
GH and Rob, Hey we knew today would be rough but lets vent here and support each other! My W is having a "study group" tonite (code word date with OM) so I am in the same boat. I guess we have to decide what boat we are on the "Titanic" or the "Love Boat". Personally I want Issac to pour me a stiff drink and get through the day (plus I had a crush on Julie when I was a kid)! Hope my analogy is not to weird for you! We can not control our W. They will make the choices they want regardless if we think they are wrong or right! People tend to take the path of least resistance in a time of crisis. Our WAS know it will be a challenge to come back to us, so maybe it easier dealing with the OM because there is less baggage on that side of the fence today. Who knows but I took a good look around me today and realized that the world is beautiful, and today is not just about our W but all the people we care and love in our lifes! Let our actions show that we truly do love our W's today by being strong!
Tim
my story http://www.divorcebusting.com/ubbthreads/showflat.php?Cat=&Number=1049617&page=&view=&sb=5&o=&fpart=1&vc=1
"Achieve success, but without vanity; Achieve success, but without aggression; Achieve success, but without gain; Achieve success, but without force." Lao Tzu
How the hell do I reconcile my W with another man on Valentines day?
Why is this period of time so different than any other period of time wherein she may see the OM? Because it's "Valentine's Day"? Because of what's associated by our culture with Valentine's Day? Well, it can't be that because that would mean you're completely subject to and under the influence of the mass fancies of others around you, so that would also mean you regularly buy Britney Spears CDs and just can't wait to hear more news about Pitt and Jolie. Or is it because of what you choose to associate with Valentine's Day?
Valentine's Day is, by the way, a Catholic saint day to commemorate a person who was martyred.
The most famous incident associated with Valentine's Day is the ambush and massacre of several gangsters in a Chicago garage.
Valentine's Day is soaked in blood!
OK, so our pop culture markets it as a day for "lovers", and they cash in on it yearly. If you were part of another culture, February 14th would have no special meaning to you whatsoever. But yes, were I in a love-bond with someone, I'd participate in the popular fancy of Valentine's Day. But I'm not in a love-bond partnership, so I don't participate!! My choice! Makes sense doesn't it? You guys are not right now in an equal loving partnership either - so why the heck are you even THINKING about Valentine's Day?
Now... President's Day! Right around the corner! Now, THAT's a holiday! Instead of higher prices for flowers, dinners and chocolates and having to buy a card and gift, President's Day needs no cards to be bought, no gifts needed, there are big sales and savings to be had, and dinner reservations are not required. Thank you George and Abe!
We don't have Presidents Day in Canada?!?! So what should I do? Ah I will just get a case of beer and some back bacon and watch Team Canada play hockey.....is this close?
Tim
my story http://www.divorcebusting.com/ubbthreads/showflat.php?Cat=&Number=1049617&page=&view=&sb=5&o=&fpart=1&vc=1
