Well, good for you that you are hanging it out until your children are grown. From divorced parents who remarried..it is nice to have parents who are together all your life...family, grandkids and the like.
I understand your frustration! I am so sorry. Have you told your wife your plans? She needs to wake up! If you would have sex with her...this board just breaks my heart!
Re: HappyGiant "But I say unto you which hear, Love your enemies, do good to them which hate you, Bless them that curse you, and pray for them which despitefully use you." This type of thinking just gets my goat HG. It reeks of encouraging you to be a doormat.
How about thinking along the lines of doing good to your spouse because it is the right thing to do but don't let your spouse get away with things that hurt you.
The 10 hours of sleep. BTDT at times. If your W won't go to C, you need to. You also need to quit doing some things that most people here on the forum would consider excessive.
The more you do those excessive things, the more respect you will lose. BTDT too. doing those excessive things also will make you more resentfull. BTDT three.
I used to think if I was extra nice to my W/BB she would appreciate my efforts. Right and Wrong. I used to cook a lot, trouble is BB cooked a little different and the way I cooked only brought up those "BB would say, "when I cook this , I do it this way. Me cooking was just another way thing we did not agree on sometimes. Other times me cooking was a plus for the relationship.
BTW, BB is retired and I work, so this is a different situation than you are in.
I just wanted to say, sometimes the more you do for some people, the deeper and faster you dig your own hole that you have to climb out of some day.
Don't neglect your kids.
In the mean time, figure out what are core issues and deal breakers. Work on those (only 1 or 2 at first) and expect some movement from your W. Typical movements include 2 steps foward and 1 to 3 steps backwards.
What ever you do, do it in a spirit of hope and kindness. Yes, real kindness can feel like it is hurting someone at first.
Some kids don't want to go to school but you know if you let them stay home very often and think you are saving them some pain, they will only have a bigger problem several years later.
If your W won't go to C right now, insist she work on her problems in some form, maybe books or a self-help group.
I agree with Lou. It is what I was trying to say on another thread, Lou said it better.
But I was the wife. Now, my dear H didn't do all the things that you are doing...as he is not a pleaser type personality...I am. But he did it in his own way to get my attention...the fallout has been difficult...but nonetheless...I FINALLY did hear what he was trying to say. It took me "layers of an onion" time to understand or accept the various points he was trying to make.
Your case is way more extreme in that you sound like you bend over backwards to do nice things for her...Geesh!
I do agree with your premise to do you to your enemy...all the way. I respect that you are coming from that place and agree with it...Lou said it well and said it in a balanced way.
You can still do that..but make some changes so you don't enable her to continue to take advantage of you. Ditto's and Amen to what Lou said.
I was the wife...I was, to a degree, where you wife is...so I can speak from that side of it.
Let her try the no-sex lifestyle out on a boyfriend.. when she's in her 50's.
My wife and I have no sex, which she is happy about and when the kids are gone to college she will have no husband. Six years left and counting.
Pit, Just had to comment on this one. I'm sure your bitterness is apparent to your W if it is so obvious to us on this board. Why not try and reconnect with your W rather than wait out the 6 year plan. That's a long time to be miserable. Sure, you can leave when the kids go to college and find yourself a new girlfriend. But you know what, so can your W. The irony being that she will probably find a very loving person to be with and have a great sex life with him instead of you. Now wouldn't that just get your goat. I think your revenge plan may blow up in your face.
