Karen I thought that was an excellent post. You hit the nail on the head with: If things were happy and healthy between you it would be a happy, healthy routine. Things are obviously, not ok so it seems contrived and manipulative to your W.
As well as: Then steel yourself to work on the R through less creative means - honesty, discussion, counseling, boundaries. Sux but that seems to be the only way that anyone gets anywhere.
This reminded me so much of my M in the past. H can be a very romantic guy. But it all seemed so "fake" because our R was not really on an intimate level at all. We were covering up the problems, the truth, the intimacy, with a lot of fluff: sweet notes, candies, flowers. All of that is nice but not genuine if the context is not itself genuine. I think you really need to make the M solid before all of the icing on the cake will stick so to speak.
