As I have said in my other posts and topics, I am extremely HD, while my wife is LD/ND. This has caused many problems as we struggle with dealing with the ramifications of this on a regular basis. What tends to happen is this. My wife is typically very angry when the sex subject comes up and reacts angrily when I initiate. So my brain interprets her reaction as "she doesn't like sex under "normal" conditions. So, being a creative person, I come up with "Other places or ways" for us to have fun.
For example, one night my wife came home and I had the kids gone for the evening. I had converted the room into an island theme, complete with decorations, torches, tiki coconut cups, background music, the works... very elaborate... I then had some games that were not necessarily sex games, but regular games with a little more of an adult twist meant to be fun in a no-pressure kind of way. I called the night "Survivor: Marriage" after the Survivor show that we are both fans of. Unfortunately, I learned that when my wife says she doesn't like sex, that means in ANY context, and simply changing the environment doesn't change anything about the experience. I thought it was kind of cool, but that's just me.. So I struck out badly on that one.
I have done similar things over the years to both try to make it fun and to get some attention. In my mind, the more work I put into it, the harder it will be for her to say no. But to her, when I do things like this, it just adds pressure and makes for a miserable night for her.
Sooooo, on to the REAL question for today. Tomorrow is Valentines Day, a holiday (Like most) that I totally go all out for. I have had a lot of very elaborate "Valentines Day" dates in the past, I just make sure to not initiate any kind of sexual component to keep her happy. As always, I have specific plans. But this year, I want to see how these plans may come across the the average LD/ND person to see if I am in for a rough night BEFORE it is too late! So, to any LD folks out there, read my plans and tell me how you might respond, as I AM trying to get a more sexual reaction this year. (I know, I am bucking for trouble, here...)
In early Jan, I designed a poster with pictures of both of us on it and a special message for my wife. I sent that to a puzzle company and had them turn it into a 100 piece puzzle. I then came up with my "Top 100 reasons why I love her" list. On the back of each puzzle piece, I put one of the reasons. Then, starting over a month ago, I gave her 3 pieces each day. Each day the pieces were hidden in a different place that she would stumble across (In her makeup bag, in her desk at work, etc.) so for the last month, she's been receiving these. She'll find the last 3 tomorrow.
Now, this year Valentines Day falls on a weekday, and a busy one at that with kids sports, etc. She won't get home until after 7, so there is little time. But when she gets home, the house will be all lit by candles (It's a tradition for the kids too, to get them into the VD spirit, so this won't be out of the ordinary for them, just Dad being Dad on Valentines day) When she gets home, I'll immediately start her on a VD treasure hunt with a clue as to where something is hidden in the house. This will entertain the kids too as they can help. Each clue will lead her to part of the house where she will find a bag and the next clue. In each "package" will be something for the kids, valentines treats, etc. and the next clue. On that piece of paper clue will be 2 notes, one for her to read outloud, that the kids can hear, pointing them to the next clue, and a note just for her to read to herself, something a little more erotic and fun in an adult sort of way. Also in each package, there will be the small gift or candy for the kids, and then under a "false bottom" to the bag, she will find something that is for later, for her eyes only. By the time she has found all the clues, she will have found things such as a nice black nightie, some silk boxers for me, sparkling cider bottle, lotion, etc. as well as her Valentines Day gifts, and the last puzzle pieces. (This way it is balanced, not just sex stuff)
After the treasure hunt, we'll have dinner, and then open VD presents. This year as budgets are low, I am giving her something that I put alot of time and thought into. In the evenings after she goes to sleep (typically out cold by 9) I have been converting all of her high school video tapes into a digital format, scanning all her old high school photos on the computer and editing all this down into the equivalent of a TV season box set of DVDs. It will be 6 DVD's of stuff all edited, cleaned up, set to music in some cases, full interactive menu's... (I work in video production,,, can you tell?) I also prepared a "Teaser DVD" that we will watch after dinner. This is a 5 minute video of her favorite high school songs, with footage from high school, photos, etc. all put together, almost an advertisment for the full DVD box set. I am excited about it all coming together after a month and a half of work, and as she graduated in the 80's... cleaning up that old footage took some work! But I think she'll like it, and I hope she is pleased with all the time and effort.
So we eat dinner, we open gifts.. (Her DVD's) and then we'll put the puzzle together that she has been collecting for the last month. She can finally see the full design on one side and the "100 reasons" on the other. (The kids have loved hearing where all the pieces are hidden each day and following this whole crazy hting, so they'd be bent if they couldn't help put it together) Then I'll get the kids to bed and (hopefully) we can then get out the fun items from the treasure hunt and spend some alone time, just the 2 of us, celebrating valentines day.
So... that is the plan, that is how I have it all worked out.. But again the question goes out to the LD spouses out there... If your HD partner did all that above and put that much time and effort into planning an evening in such a way that it appealed to both the kids and you (keeping the kids safe from the sexual side, while unbeknownest to them, teasing you), and putting that much thought time and effort into a VD gift.. would it affect you? Would it make you feel bad? Would it make you say "You put so much into this that I'll feel like a schmuck if I don't let you do it, so let's get it over with" (Likely result), Or would you be genuinely happy and turned on about it. If I am setting myself up for another long night of "pulling stunts to get sex"arguments and accusations, I may need to alter my plans a bit or tone it down. That is why I am posing my plans to all of you good people, so I can get some feedback.
If you are doing all this in the hopes of getting sex, you are setting yourself up.
If you are doing all this because it makes you feel good and you could care less if sex was the outcome, you will be unaffected by her response either way.
I think you'd make a much louder statement if you did stuff for your kids... and just got her a card and a hershey kiss. Recognize her as your wife, but leave all the over the top stuff FOR HER out of it.
I think you need to drastically change tactics... get yourself through V-day as best you can. Then maybe we can discuss alterations in tactics.
Corri
P.S. I personally think your creativity is a wonderful thing, and I am so sorry your W can't/won't enjoy it with you. But... please, please, please don't make the mistake of taking her reactions as some sort of poor reflection of you. It is the very worst thing you could do to yourself.
Quote: please, please, please don't make the mistake of taking her reactions as some sort of poor reflection of you. It is the very worst thing you could do to yourself.
I have done that waaaay to many times in the past!!! The creative side of me has taken a lot of slams over the years.. It has alomst wanted me to stop being creative. But that would almost kill me MORE.. It's my creativity that keeps me sane when work can get so technical in nature. So I love having little holiday creative challenges to wrap my brain around. She used to lOVE this side of me.... don't quite know what happened.
I too can see you setting yourself up for a fall. What a fantastic effort you have made and I'm sure any woman would feel flattered and loved by your actions. But your wife may see it as an elaborate attempt at getting in her pants (Desperate times call for desperate measures I know). Maybe you could be more 'casual' about it. See if she initiates anything, if she doesn't maybe try in a couple of days. She might intitate even! Your wife will be feeling pressure to have sex on Valentine's Day because it is the nature of the day. That in itself is a turnoff. Focus more on the love side of things and take the pressure off. Hopefully your wife will see how lucky she is and want to ML to you soon.
Good luck!
It can't come quickly enough
And now you've spent your life
Waiting for this moment
And when you finally saw it come
It passed you by and left you so defeated.
Scissor Sisters - 'It Can't Come Quickly Enough'
I echo what Corri says as well. If you already know she doesn't appreciate anything done in a sexual context (which is what you've stated)....why include that in your V-Day gifts? Romantic....doesn't have to be sexual at all. A slightly erotic note for her to read for herself, isn't likely to be appreciated by her (thereby disappointing you) and a nightie with silk boxers....sexual expectancy is attached to that. While, I, as an HD woman would love something like that....an LD woman isn't likely to go for stuff like that.
Giant....I think the rest of your idea is a splendid one, I just think including anything (at least at this point) that is remotely sexual, will be perceived by her as PRESSURE and backfire on you. Don't set yourself up for disappointment right now.
You seem like a wonderful person, and many women would appreciate such romantic gestures....but remember, not everyone appreciates the same types of things. If you really want to make her feel loved/appreciated on Valentine's Day (which to me is the point of the day afterall) then do things you know SHE WILL like.....things that haven't backfired on you in the past. I fear some of your approach in gift giving is taken in a manner of things YOU might like....rather than things you KNOW she will like.
BTW...I really like the fact that you include your kids to a certain extent
I agreee with everyone else... I think you are going to be disappointed. I told my wife what I wanted to do on Valentines, and she said she was uninterested in flowers, chocolates,professional massage, away time from the kids. I was crushed so she will get nothing now for Valentines.
Wow - I really hate to say this. I would just love all of that and believe me that kind of attention to detail would definately get H some. Then again, I am HD. Then again, he rarely, if ever, does anything like that so it would be truly special. It sounds as if you do things like that routinely. It is who you are. If things were happy and healthy between you it would be a happy, healthy routine. Things are obviously, not ok so it seems contrived and manipulative to your W.
Try this:
Make the treasure hunt for your kids. Light the candles, have the nice family dinner. Give your W a card and a hershey's kiss (like Corri said) and just say, "I love you honey. Happy Valentine's Day." Save the really cool CD thingie for Mother's Day in May. For once, don't go over the top. A scaled down Valentines will match the state of the relationship better and will seem more authentic.
Then "hold onto yourself" emotionally and hope for a truly affectionate hug, kiss and I love you back. Nothing more. Then steel yourself to work on the R through less creative means - honesty, discussion, counseling, boundaries. Sux but that seems to be the only way that anyone gets anywhere.
Karen
PS Happy Valentine's Day. I would think that all that stuff was VERY cool!
happy, I like your approach. It is sexy and fun and loving without completely selling yourself out, or disregarding what it is that SHE would like for this day.
I don't think you want to cut out all the sexy stuff (which didn't sound too overbearing to begin with, after all Valentine's day has a heavy sexual emphasis already--without you doing a darn thing) because it is a celebration of YOUR love for her, which naturally includes your sexuality. If it makes her uncomfortable, that's her problem. Really, it is.
You have included enough things that are not sexual that will speak to her romantic side, and I don't think it's necessary to emotionally castrate yourself to fit into a box that she prefers you live in.
I'm with you...."I" would love all that stuff, but agree...it's over the top.
Giant, here's a question for you to think about. If your W has a history of not responding to gestures such as what you have planned. Are you doing those things for her....or for you? I agree with Karen that you might want to think about scaling this way back....take a much simpler approach this year....her response might be surprise you.
I just feel that you risk overwhelming her and some people don't respond well in those circumstances.
Karen I thought that was an excellent post. You hit the nail on the head with: If things were happy and healthy between you it would be a happy, healthy routine. Things are obviously, not ok so it seems contrived and manipulative to your W.
As well as: Then steel yourself to work on the R through less creative means - honesty, discussion, counseling, boundaries. Sux but that seems to be the only way that anyone gets anywhere.
This reminded me so much of my M in the past. H can be a very romantic guy. But it all seemed so "fake" because our R was not really on an intimate level at all. We were covering up the problems, the truth, the intimacy, with a lot of fluff: sweet notes, candies, flowers. All of that is nice but not genuine if the context is not itself genuine. I think you really need to make the M solid before all of the icing on the cake will stick so to speak.
